The End of the Night

by Gareth Edel

The end
I sit and type to put feelings on page
I sit and wonder if this drink is a sign of alcoholism
I pour and then sip
Maybe eight ounces each
Rum and margarita mix,
What do I have to drink?
I walk coldly home.
I keep wondering if tonight is when I should talk to you about how I feel, and hate myself for not having the courage to try. I want to be numb, knowing I can't be happy tonight.
"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
I stop in front of the church to say words of prayer
I keep stopping, over and over.
I walk away from the subway station, looking back and stopping only to look for your shadow in the window.
I walk down from you, not feeling the cold wind.
You look at me and say again that you will be all right.
I stand separated from you by the metal gates and look
As you walk away you still look sad and I feel it inside as a presence
I remember how happy I was earlier
You step to the turnstiles
Walking almost backwards away from me
You hug me one last time.
I hold you and want to say, don't walk away, let me hold you a little longer, for both of us.
We embrace and you move your head against my neck and I think you will kiss my neck the way you did before, and you don't.
I want you to kiss my neck as we start to hug, a sign that things are all right.
I want to say something as I look at you, foreheads the only contact between us as you look for your metrocard.
I think that I can't help.
I say I don't believe you, and I want to make you answer, or tell you something to change how you feel.
You look sad, and I again say so, by asking if you are alright... a pause and then, you say you will be fine We hug and kiss and it feels different from a few days before.
You look sad and I remember that you simply have your moods, that I shouldn't take it to mean a flaw on my part.
We are walking up the stairs from the street and the men in the station look at us, thinking whatever people think when they see a couple, although, I still wonder if we are a couple.
We walk down the street, cold wind, and I reach repeatedly to touch you, sometimes, I stop part way there.
I wonder if I can help.
I touch your shoulder as we walk.
I try to open my mouth to say something, how I like you a lot, that I wonder if we should say how we feel, that I would love to be in a serious relationship with you... That I would be immensely relieved if you said no, or that you wanted to stay casual.
We walk out the door, and I see how unhappy you are, not thinking, but almost crying, the way I get when I wish I could still cry like I did when I was a little boy.
We say good night to Ruby, and she says something new, "dream well".
We walk from the table and a concern starts to grow.
I look at you as you come from the bathroom.
I wonder if I should ask you again if you want to stay, and find that I am afraid of seeming too needy, or just scared, or whatever, but I just dot ask.
You are gone for a moment and chatting with Ruby keeps me from having to think.
You get up and go to the back.
"I think I will go to the bathroom before we go."
I want to see if you really are all right.
You are leaning against me and I could sit like that forever, or at least all night, and ruby starts to come from the kitchen, she sort of smiles as she sees us cuddling.
I look at you as you move in your seat, and lean against me, turning your back to me, I wonder if this cuddling started entirely so you can hide your face. I hope you know that you can share it with me.
I rub your back.
You look down, hunched over the table and say you think you should go soon, but you don't make a move to go.
You stretch and say you are fine.
I ask "you look thoughtful or sad or something?"
You lower yourself into a ball, and would curl all the way, if the table of the coffee shop wasn't in front of you.
We try to joke but mostly sit in silence, and I wonder if you think my asking if you want to stay over is about sex.
I think about how hard your trip home will be, and how I would like to be next to you again, almost scared it will come time to fool around.
I look at you, light a cigarette, and touch your hair.
Stephan my brother has just left the table, I think he felt a little awkward with us the entire time he sat here.
I think, I should not have invited anyone to come to the diner; I should have seen it as a chance for us to be alone.
I wonder as Stephan puts away his wallet whether you had wanted to talk about something.

I think that I should offer to pay for his, I will offer to pay for hers, when we go, and this will keep it from looking like I am being sexist? On the other hand, maybe I am scared to have her see me as trying to get her to ...I don't know.
Stephan gets ready to go, and starts to pay for his coffee.
I say goodnight to my brother.
We three sit awkwardly, talking about the movie, and I happily stroke her back
I am happy to sit and eat fries and chat.
We enter the diner, and I am still happy.
We kissed once during the movie.
I liked being with her tonight.
I am confused but I put it aside, my confusion has always made me not do things, maybe it is a good thing to be confused. I wish I could see things from the end and work back, instead of from the convoluted present forward. I might do things differently.
I am glad she came out.
We walk in the cold, and I don't feel it, I am smiling.