WWJD...

by Arthur Perez

"Hello?" I examined the phone to make sure I hadn't broken it.

"Hi, Pan"

"Hey, Jane."

My name isn't Pan(pronounced Pahn) One day someone at work figured out that Brad sounded like bread, so for a while my name was Bread. Then, seeing as we all spoke Spanish someone called me Pan and it just stuck, pan being Spanish for bread. This is how I knew the phone call was from work and I was either getting fired or had to go in early. "What's going on?"

"Bobby had to go home sick and I need you to come in early to cover. Can you?"

I assumed I wasn't getting fired. "Sure," I answered. I looked over at the calendar on my wall. Today was the 23rd. "Yeah, I'll be there as soon as I can."

I guess going in early to cover someone else's shift on your birthday isn't so bad. It could be worse. My nickname could be Braid or Broad or Arf, I suppose.

As I rode the bus downtown, I decided to plan out the rest of my day. Since most of it would be spent at work, I had to make room for some me-time. I have never really been big on birthdays. I've always felt that it was the little things that make a birthday worth it. Big parties were never really my thing. A lunch or dinner or piece of cake could serve as a sufficient reward for getting another year older. The bus came to its stop and as I got out, I saw a building down the street, that I had never noticed before.

DOWN UNDER MEAT PIES, read the sign. I wasn't sure if it was a restaurant or an instruction as to where to find meat pies. I also wasn't sure what a meat pie was. Looking into the window on my way to work, I saw what looked like tiny pot pies...that you could eat with your hands! I had found my birthday present to myself. Like I said, it's the little things.

The rest of the morning shift went by surprisingly quick. I thought mostly about the mystery in crust that was a meat pie. As soon as 12:00 came around, I felt like Fred Flintstone when that bird signals the end of the day. I slid down my dinosaur and headed downtown.

It turns out that it was my lucky day. There was a 2 for one special at DOWN UNDER. I walked back to work, meat pies in hand. As I waited for the light to change, my eyes and mind began to wander, again. My drifting eyes stopped on a homeless man walking across the street in my general direction. I got nervous. I didn't get palms sweaty and heart racing nervous, but that kind of nervous that exists when you see a strange person that is either scary looking or dirty. He wasn't necessarily coming at me, but once I saw him I unconsciously clutched my meat pies closer, changing them from one hand to the other.

I continued waiting for the light to change, thinking about random things as I did. I stared over at a nice old car. There was a black '55 Dodge with a pink stripe down the side parked down the street. As I stared at the hood, I realized that Dodge is such a needlessly cruel name for a car. Especially to pedestrians.

When I snapped back to reality, I looked over to my side and realized that the homeless guy was now standing by me. It surprised me a bit, but I paid no attention to it and crossed the street. I did notice that this guy was keeping kind of close. I figured he probably wanted to get by so I moved over so he could pass me. He didn't pass me, though. He stayed behind me. I also noticed as I slowed down, he would slow down. Without realizing it, my step quickened. I continued walking and noticed he was still behind me. He's probably going in the same direction I am. I blew it off and continued walking as he got further away. But damned if I didn't get across the next crosswalk quick.

My thoughts drifted back to the black Dodge. I giggled to myself. I pictured someone running people off the road, screaming, "Ha! What's the name on the car? Damn, right, you'd better Dodge!"

I looked behind me to check up on the homeless guy...I feel strange calling him "the homeless guy". We'll call him Byron, just to eclipse the middle class guilt. I didn't see Byron anywhere. Until, I turned around and checked the other side of the street, of course. I walked a little faster now, just so I could get inside the building. I got to another crosswalk and waited for the light to change. It took a while and I got impatient as he got closer. A Dodge wouldn't be so inconvenient right now. The light changed and I walked across the street to the corner of my building.

I decided this is where I would test him. I decided that I would turn right at the corner. The building was my stop, so I could just enter at a different entrance. If Byron turned after me, I would know for sure if he was following me. So, as I walked to the corner, I made a sharp right turn.

He turned right behind me.

Realizing that I hadn't thought this through, I hurried into the parking lot for sanctuary. He followed. I turned back around and out the way I came. He followed me again in what seemed like something out of a Keystone Kops short. I walked out of the parking lot with Byron following right behind me and stopped. I turned around and confronted him. "Dude, are you following me?" I blurted.

He mumbled something unintelligible, but the gist of it was, "uh...yeah."

"What the...Stop following me!"

"So...You want me to wait out here?" There was an odd look in his eye. Either he was horribly mistaken or I was being Punk'd.

"What?! I don't even know who the fuck you are! Stop fucking following me!" I never cursed. Not in public outside my workplace, anyway.

I stormed off and walked away. Quickly. I hurried to the front entrance where there was a keyed entrance to get past the lobby, just in case Byron decided he wanted to follow me instead of waiting outside. I ran up the stairs and closed the lobby door behind me. I checked the window just to make sure. He walked past the stairs and I could see him come back around towards the door. I ran, fumbling with my keys get through the door. The sensor keypad beeped and I ran in, shutting the door behind me. As I looked around, coming down the hall was one of the janitors, Jimmy. "Jimmy, can you do me a favor? There's this weird homeless guy who's been following me from downtown. Can you see if he's still out there?"

Jimmy nodded and walked out the door. I felt somewhat guilty after asking him to go outside. I failed to mention that Jimmy is a tiny, old Mexican guy who takes out the trash and fixes light bulbs. I never asked him to fight any battles for me. He was just gonna check outside. I tried to rationalize the situation by thinking, if this guy wanted to do anything he would have done it...right? I walked into the lunchroom and put down my meat pies. I wrote down the Dodge joke before I forgot it. The door opened and Jimmy came back a few minutes later.

"Jimmy, what happened?"

"I got rid of him. He finally left."

"What...What did he say? What was his problem?"

"He said he was following you because Jesus told him to."

I'd only seen it in the movies before, but for the first time in my life, I did an honest-to-God double take. "He-what?"

"He said he was following you because Jesus told him to." Jimmy had a tiny smile on his face as he said it.

All of a sudden there was a tiny bit of relief, knowing that Byron only thought I was a prophet. "I...Why?",were the only words that I could spit out. Jimmy shrugged. I didn't expect him to have an answer, of course. I was just speechless. "There's a lot of crazies downtown," he said. While that didn't exactly make me feel 100% better, it was true. There's a woman who rides the bus who sucks her thumb and there's an old lady who looks like Iggy Pop who mumbles unintelligibly and screams every now and then. But this was different. It's not like the lady sucks my thumb.

As I walked down the hall, I looked down at my hands. They were trembling a little. I sat down in the lunchroom and opened up the white bag. The meat pies were very good.

-Posted to The Great Hoboes of New York on April 1, 2005