From the Reception Desk: Release 1

by Jymm Gifford

April 6, 2005

I have reported for duty at my new assignment, and I am by now settled in. The routine is somewhat mind-numbing, however the amusing antics of the subjects provide some relief from the boredom.

On my first day here I received the usual "don't be intimidated, we're just a little crazy here" patter. It is something I have encountered on many previous assignments. However, sir, it is my professional opinion that in this particular case crazy does not just mean "slightly eccentric and like to wear silly hats". Many of the inhabitants of this particular office are honestly maladjusted humans, and one finds it difficult to believe that any of them are able to function in normal society. It shall be interesting to observe what it is about this particular establishment that attracts such misfits. Perhaps it is endemic to real estate in general? I will keep you updated.

Many of the days here are punctuated with short bursts of loud and violent argument amongst the subjects. Several of the people here seem to be prone to such outbursts, and they find it nearly impossible to avoid attacking one another. For the purposes of this report, there are three major players in this recurring drama: Kenny G, no relation or connection to the more famous musician, Suzette, an older woman who persists in believing she passes for 25, and The Boss, a 40-ish man with a passion for jazz who uses phrases like "real estate porn" to describe Architectural Digest. Suzette and Kenny G (why do you suppose anyone would call himself that?) have a particularly antagonistic relationship. For example, I will describe one particular incident:

One day recently, Kenny G (please see attached profile for a more detailed description, but suffice it to say that I believe this man may be slightly autistic- there is no other explanation for his indescribable weirdness) was attempting to work out a deal, and asking his nearest neighbor Duff for help. Suzette (this is not her real name- she uses it because the Frenchness is meant to impress clients- no indication that this actually works), jumped in to offer her (unsolicited) advice. She became quite insistent that he do what she said. Kenny G got defensive and pretty soon it came to a shouting match, with Kenny screaming at Suzette to just shut the hell up already, and Suzette saying things like "well I was just trying to help" repeatedly, as she turned to her neighbors and tried to elicit their sympathy. Everyone else attempted to go about their business- we are not unaccustomed to displays of this sort.

Suddenly, the door to The Boss's office burst open and he came storming out. Do you remember, Sir, when you were a child (were you ever a child?), and you would make a lot of noise after you had been sent to bed and been told to stay there? And suddenly your father would appear at the doorway with that look in his eye? That's what this moment was like. Dead quiet, the sound of impending doom. He began to lecture- at the top of his voice "This is not professional behavior! … this company is not a kindergarten…I'm not a babysitter…" (edited to conserve space) It went on this way for ten minutes or so, and even those of us who were not involved were ducking our heads in shame. (Yes, even yours truly. I'm only human!) He wrapped it up with this statement: "If I see you two even talking to each other again" indicating Suzette and Kenny G "you're both fired! I don't even care what it was about" (this over Suzette's protests) "if I hear it again, you're fired."

The problem, as I understand it is that Suzette has leverage, and she knows it. She's universally disliked, but she makes a very large amount of money for this company. As soon as The Boss retired to his lair she began cackling (and I do mean cackling- she is so reminiscent of one of MacBeth's witches) "He can't fire me, I make too much money, I'd just like to see him fire me, maybe I'll leave…" Pretty soon she was singing a little song about how The Boss can't fire her. After a few minutes, Kenny G lost his cool "Suzette, would you just be quiet already- we're trying to work over here!" Suzette responded "I'm gonna tell on you. He told you not to talk to me. I'm gonna tell." It quickly escalated once more.

Sir, I am not ashamed to say that at this point I took cover. I may be a veteran in the field, but I have never seen two grown adults going at it like two year olds. I shuddered to think what would happen when The Boss sprang from his lair once more. I had not long to wait, as he appeared quite soon. And he did not disappoint. To make a long story short, both Suzette and Kenny G were "grounded" from the office for the rest of the day. They and the rest of the subjects were warned that any future such behavior would be immediate grounds for dismissal, however I personally do not believe that any such punishment will be forthcoming. The Boss's bark is worse than his bite, if you know what I mean.

There is nothing else of note to report. This story is merely meant to illustrate the juvenile nature of the subjects. I do believe that we are on the wrong track entirely, sir, and I would like to request a transfer. I would also like to request a stipend to supplement the pittance that this office calls a salary. How, sir, do you expect me to live on such a small amount? Please send the check soon, I have run out of grapefruit.

-Receptionist Out