The Great Hobo Party

2004 Campaign

!!!Mark Hugo for US President!!!

American Idols

"What?" bellowed Mark back.

"What is this shit?" I asked, yelling.

"Andy Williams! It's the music of my people!"

"The what?"

Mark turned down the stereo. "It's the music of my people."

"Andy Williams? That reject from Branson, Missouri? And who exactly are your people?" I set my briefcase down on the table in his bedroom/study. "The Lawrence Welk set?"

Mark shook his head. "No, no, no. I've been doing some thinking."

"Oh, Christ, here we go," I said.

"You see this man, right here?" Mark asked. He held up a small marble head. It looked something like a shrunken head. But, somehow, it looked regal. "Ronald Reagan."

"What?!? You've become a Republican?"

Mark glowered. "You were one before you started promoting my campaigns. But, this isn't about that. I'm no Republican. I'm just modeling my image after Uncle Ronnie."

"A dottering fool who was involved in the biggest international arms scandal since Bay of Pigs?" I asked.

Mark shook his head. "You know, cynicism isn't so charming on one so young."

"Are you done?"

"Anyway, Ronnie was like everyone's favorite TV dad. Even when he was telling us that the world might end in a nuclear holocaust in ten minutes, he did it in a comforting manner. I want to pull that off - all the time."

"You want to be slick?"

More head shaking. I just wasn't getting it, that day. "Not slick. Did Ronnie ever look slick? Did he look manufactured? No, he looked like your grandfather, like he would be comfortable in a pair of Haband slacks and an L.L. Bean canvas shirt."

"True, true," I said. "This is good. You are a wise image-maker, Mr. Hugo. I like this."

"I've been doing lots of thinking, actually," Mark continued. "You know about my running mate?"

"Karl Moore?" I sighed. "Yes, an…interesting choice. Are you sure he's stable enough?"

"Stable? But of course. If there's going to be a straight man in this racket, it'll be him."

"Like Bruce Banner," I muttered.

"The kid's a genius. He thought up our slogan: 'Hugo Moore in Oh-Four!' Ya like it?"

I nodded. "Sounds good. Is Karl going to come to the Mermaid Parade? That'll be the campaign's debutante's ball…"

"He's working on it," Mark said.

"Good." I opened the briefcase and took out a legal pad. "Here are a few of the platform ideas we've discussed." I passed the legal pad across the table to Mark. "What do you think?"

Mark sat down in his arm chair, across from the TV, which was playing old Flintstone's re-runs. He picked up his glasses from the side table, and wiped them on his shirt, and read the pad without even putting his glasses on. A few "Hmm's" and "Oh's" were heard, here and there. After a few minutes, during which Fred and Barney got into no less than three arguments, Mark said, "I like it."

"I stole the theme from your ramblings. The whole 'Tyranny of Life' thing."

"Yes," Mark said to himself, "That's why that seemed familiar." He picked up the legal pad again. "The thing I of course object to the most is the whole open container law thing."

"Yeah, I was working on some slogan ideas in that area. You'll see those on page two."

Mark turned the page, and chuckled to himself. "Good going, Tyler. There are a whopping two slogans. 'Legalize it'? What are we? NORML?"

"Marlene came up with the second one," I said. " 'We're open to open containers.'"

"That'll be good with the mainstream press. I like it. How about something for the wino vote, though?" Mark asked.

"I doubt we'll have troubles with the wino vote," I said.

"You never know," Mark said. "They can be tricky. You got 'em all tied up, and then all of a sudden some lone shark main party candidate," Mark made air quotes around the phrase 'main party candidate', "shows up with a case full of Wild Irish Roses, and BAM! There goes your campaign…"

We sat idly.

"How about a beer to help the wino ruminations?" I asked.

"How about a jug of Gallo wine, instead?" Mark asked with a grin.

An hour later we'd come up with roughly two hundred potential slogans for the whole open container law. They were largely phrases consisting of either a noun or verb, but rarely both. We had some problems. The next morning, though, I was happy to see that one did make sense. "Drink 'em if you got 'em. We're on your side and got your tab." Out of a mess of nonsense came that declarative bit of genius.

I can't wait until the Mermaid Parade. Mark Hugo will make his grand debut on June 21st at that Coney Island celebration of Poseidon and all that is dear to us beach-bum party-animals.

Viva el Hugo, and here comes some Moore.

THE MARK HUGO ARCHIVE
The Article That Started it All - Mark's Gubernatorial Campaign Announcement.

Bad Night in The Bunker - Strategy Gone Awry.

Strike A Pose - Image Consultancy in the Post-Carville Era.

An All Time Low.

A Tape Transcript.

Mark's Gubernatorial Concession Speech.

The Beginnings of Mark's Presidential Campaign.

Angry Sports, Elmer Gantry, and Freedom Fries.

Orange Alert, Again.

During the months of June and July, we will have weekly insights from the inner circle of this, our last best hope for president. Please email your support and suggestions to: tyler@greathoboes.com. Remember, vote early, and vote often!

Tyler M. Carey
Publisher and Editor-in-Chief, The Great Hoboes of New York
Apparent Campaign Manager, Mark Hugo for President '04 Campaign