Website © 2003 by Tyler Carey
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The Great Hobo Party
2004 Campaign
!!!Mark Hugo for US President!!!
Mark Hugo is sitting across a table from me. We're in a Diner off I-84, one of the thoroughfares that cuts East-West across New England, from just outside Beantown to the Berkshires. I poorly managed his helter-skelter bid for the New York State gubernatorial election, last year. Well, I can't take all the blame - he doesn't actually live in New York. But, we had a good run, and got our feet wet for bigger things.
"So, how goes my presidential campaign?" Mark asks over his fried eggs, hash browns, bacon and coffee. There's a little bit of 'flavoring', as my Pappy called it, in his coffee.
"Uh...I...well, we're working on a button design," I explain.
"Fuck buttons," says Mark, "We need a platform this time."
"Any ideas?" I ask.
"I thought you might have some," Mark says, lowering his eyes at me. "After all, you are the campaign manager."
"Well," I said, "the Bear and I were talking about running this as an activist campaign. Y'know, like Al Sharpton? Let's face it, we have no chance of winning, so let's just..."
"Shucks, that's fine talk from one of my own," Mark said. "Et tu, Brute? Y'know, you're supposed to be the one who sets things up so that we win this campaign. Be my James Carville for Chrissakes. Come up with some slogan, like, 'It's the Economy, Stupid'."
"You're right."
"Damn skippy I'm right. I want real estate on Pennsylvania Avenue come November 2004."
"Well, what issues are important to you, right now?" I asked, pushing my chicken potpie around in its bowl.
Mark hesitated. He reached for his smokes, which weren't there. He'd quit again. "It's not so much about what's important to me; it's about what's important to my constituency. This time around that's all of America, not just New York."
"It's arguable as to whether or not New York was really your constituency last time around, Mr. Connecticut."
"Touché. Well, I think we've got to focus on the matters that are most significant to America right now: the war on terror, the war on Iraq, the economy, and the two party system."
"Duct tape and plastic wrap on every window of every house in this fair country, paid for by the Office of We've-Got-Your-Back."
"The Office of We've-Got-Your-Back?" I asked.
"It sounds more proactive than 'Homeland Security'. Next?"
"The War on Iraq?" I asked.
"What did Jerry Rubin say about America sticking its oversized cock into much too small a country," Mark mused.
"Didn't Rubin become a stockbroker?" I reminded Mark.
"What? Didn't realize I was talking. How about whatever the overwhelming majority of polled Americans say. Next?" Mark smiled.
"Man," I said, and shook my head. "You really are a politician. How about the economy?"
"A job for every American who feels like one," Mark said. He sipped his coffee.
"Come again?" I asked.
"What?" Mark asked.
"How do you mean 'a job for everyone who feels like one'?" I asked.
"Well, I don't want to get on people's case and make 'em do shit they don't wanna do. Seems like a pretty good way to not get elected. Right?"
"Uhh...so you want to 'guarantee employment', we'll say?"
Mark rubbed his chin. "What would Ronnie do?"
"Come again?" I asked, again.
"What would Ronnie do?" he asked.
"You're not...going to be basing some of your campaign on Reagan, are you?"
"Oh, no. Not in an ideological sense, no. I just figure he's a good role model. Again, not in any fashion that I think his policies were inherently good or whatever, I just... He was like your favorite TV-dad, y'know? He always wore a suit. He never tried to give out bad news."
A smile dawned on my face. "That's good."
"So, how would he have said, 'guaranteed employment'?" Mark asked.
I mulled the remainders of my potpie a bit more. "I think that if addressed with the situation, he would have just said, 'Who would like to have a job next year?' Y'know, like his 'Are you really better off now than you were four years ago?' bit."
"Very good," Mark said. "Very good."
"Lastly," I asked, "What's your take on the two party system?"
Mark affected his best Reagan impersonation, "Have the Republocrats really helped you?"
"Brilliant," I said, "I think we're getting close to show time."
Mark nodded. "Say, speaking of the economy, you've got the check, right?"
THE MARK HUGO ARCHIVE
The Article That Started it All - Mark's Gubernatorial Campaign Announcement.
Bad Night in The Bunker - Strategy Gone Awry.
Strike A Pose - Image Consultancy in the Post-Carville Era.
We hope to have more insights from the inner circle of this, our last best hope for a president, every other week. In the meantime, please email your support and suggestions to: tyler@greathoboes.com. Remember, vote early, and vote often!
Tyler M. Carey
Publisher and Editor-in-Chief, The Great Hoboes of New York
Apparent Campaign Manager, Mark Hugo for President '04 Campaign