We here at the Great Hoboes are trying to give you as accurate a glimpse inside the political machine as possible. What follows is a tale of one of our epic strategy sessions for the Mark Hugo gubernatorial campaign. It's not all pretty, but we can guarantee that none of us has accepted soft money, and we will never launch a negative TV ad. Primarily because we can't afford to due to a lack of soft money, but such is the political world...

The following is a partial transcript of a tape salvaged from what remains of the Mark Hugo for NYS Governor campaign headquarters, in Connecticut. After his rise (15% of New York voters undecided or indifferent) and subsequent crash (5% who could give a shit), the good gubernatorial candidate has taken to whistle stopping across New York, begging for votes. His base of operations, far far outside his constituency, has been abandoned in favor of his Volvo station wagon. Last I heard, he was driving across the Finger Lakes region, throwing leaflets out his window, blasting Santana and screaming, "Where are these hands I should shake? These babies I should kiss?"

(sound of Gordon Lightfoot's "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" playing in the background)

Tyler: O.K., so the "Vote for me because I can't vote for myself" slogan is out the window.

Bear: Why? I liked it.

Mark: Me, too.

Tyler: Yeah, so did I, but...you see a lot of folks didn't get it. They didn't assume that Mark couldn't vote for himself because he wasn't a New York State resident. They assumed that he couldn't vote for himself because he was a convict.

Bear: Oh, right. Like those folks in Florida a few years ago. (sound of a soda pop can opening) You're not a convict, are you, Mark?

Mark: Not that I know of.

Tyler: Right. So, let's brainstorm. Slogans?

Mark: Damn, I liked that "Can't vote for myself one."

Tyler: Well, it's gone. We've only got a week until the election, and we need to do a last minute image change if we're going to get any votes.

Mark: (shrieking) The election's only a week away?!? Sonofabitch! (unintelligible) Why wasn't I told about this?

Tyler: I just assumed that you, being a candidate, knew when Election Day was.

Bear: How about "Down with pants! Up with skirts!"?

Tyler: You stole that from The Magic Christian, didn't you?

Mark: (unintelligible...things are falling in the background...we can only assume Mr. Hugo was throwing them about.)

Bear: Yeah. Funny slogan. (laughing)

Tyler: I kind of liked, "Mark Hugo: For a Lower Drinking Age and Higher Speed Limits"

Mark: Motherfucker! We're doomed! Doomed I tell you!

Bear: That's kind of breaking with your tradition of 'responsibility'. Don't you think, Tyler?

Tyler: Well, I had one other. "Mark Hugo. At least he's not from Cleveland."

Bear: I don't get it.

Tyler: Because, well...you know...Cleveland's like a punch line city. All sorts of good jokes have Cleveland in their punch line.

Bear: I don't get it.

Mark: It's all Golisano's fault! He hogged the third party spotlight...flip-flopping on the secondary issues...

Bear: How about "Mark Hugo: It's been weeks since rumors about him and a goat have surfaced."

Tyler: Too "inside" a joke. Only folks who actually caught the news story would get it. It'd just serve to ostracize anybody who didn't get it.

Mark: And to think I started packing my stuff to move into the Governor's mansion...

Tyler: How about "Mark Hugo: You Can't Always Get What You Want, But If You Try Sometimes, You Just Might Find..."

Bear: Yeah, yeah, cut it out. Rolling Stones. I get it. No.

Tyler: "Mark Hugo: The Drinking Man's Candidate"

Bear: Now that's got potential! What do you think, Mark?

Mark: Alright...alright...let's fucking do this thing...how much cash do you weasels have in your pockets?

Tyler: Huh?

Mark: I'm sick of you guys and your satire, and your movements, and your ginger-ale-infused-brainstorming sessions. I'm gonna do this the old fashioned way. How much cash you guys got on ya?

Bear: Is he mugging us?

Tyler: No...it's...he's brilliant... You're actually going to campaign. Aren't you, Mark?

Mark: Exactly. I'm gonna take our dough, get in that car - by myself - fill the tank, and drive across that whole fucking state until everybody has met me and wants to vote for me. So, come on.

Bear: Is he stable?

Tyler: (crinkling sound of fresh bills) It's doubtful, but he's far more intelligent than either of us. Imagine, actually talking to people about what's on their mind, and encouraging them to vote for you. No commercials, no slogans, no stickers...

Bear: We were going to have stickers?

Mark: Not any more. This money is for gas, tolls and Cheez-Its.

Tyler: Let me help you pack.

Mark: Nope. I'm going to go out of this house the same way I came in.

Tyler: Bare ass naked?

Mark: Well...y'know...hopeless and penniless...but wearing jeans and a flannel shirt. (the sound of sniffling) Thanks for the support. I'm gonna go out there and win this one for us.

Bear: Awww, Mark! (sound of a big hairy bear hug)

Mark: (sound of ribs breaking)...(sounds of tears and shrieks of pain)...(sounds of a tough man shirking all that off, running through a breezeway, through a garage, opening the door, dashing outside, closing the door, and then the muffled sound of a Volvo station wagon starting and descending the hill.)

Tyler: We better follow him.

Bear: To help him and wish him good luck?

Tyler: No, I realized that I had my credit card in the billfold I gave him. Damn it.

We hope to have more insights from the inner circle of this, New York's last best hope for a great governor, quite soon. In the meantime, please email your support and suggestions to: tyler@greathoboes.com. Remember, vote early, and vote often!

Tyler M. Carey
Publisher and Editor-in-Chief, The Great Hoboes of New York
Apparent Campaign Manager, Mark Hugo for Governor Campaign
October 30, 2002