On the Quality of Things, #8
Summer Re-cap

by Wade Stuckwisch

As a critic for Great Hoboes over the past year and a half or so, the one writing challenge that looms again and again is how to start a column without simply stating the season or topic that I am about to expound upon. While starting every column with "Ahh, winter…" or "How about them Los Angeles Film Critics Awards?" seemed like an endearing affectation at the time, in hindsight it seems symptomatic of sloppy writing. Perhaps I'm being overly self-critical, especially by pointing this out at the beginning of my own column. In fact, choosing to begin the column with all this self-referential self-flagellation is probably even more unprofessional and masturbatory than starting every column with a trite, conversational declaration of the topic at hand. And while I've always intended to add an element of personal narrative to my movie reviews, I do strive towards a modicum of journalistic integrity simultaneously. Perhaps I should shut up and start the fucking column already. Yes, that sounds like a good idea. Onward…

It's been an interesting summer, at least in my professional and unprofessional life as a film school grad and aspiring filmmaker, if not at the movies. The summer started off well, with "X2: X-Men United" and the much maligned but generally satisfying "Matrix Reloaded" hitting theaters, and myself in a perfectly serviceable temporary job working for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation. Sure, working for a non-profit that deals with inflammatory bowel disease wasn't always uplifting, but I did wake up every morning thankful for a fully functioning colon. And yes, "Matrix Reloaded" may not have lived up to everyone's expectations, but people-you expect too much! Have you seen the original "Matrix" lately? Sure, there were some smatterings of existential and Zen philosophy included, but for the most part it was a silly-ass action movie starring Keanu Reeves with just enough creative cinematography and stylish design to elevate it above the glut of second-rate material in the action genre. I'm not saying it was a bad movie-I could make most of the preceding criticisms of the original "Star Wars," if I wanted to get shot. Certainly "The Matrix: Reloaded" was bogged down by a lot of unnecessary material in Zion; the plot did depend a little too heavily on bombarding the audience with mysterious new details and characters without explaining situations or furthering the existing characters; and Jada Pinkett-Smith's character never did really serve much purpose in the movie (although she appears to be a key figure in the companion video game). But you got your big eye-popping action sequences, your "bullet speed" effects and your tight vinyl jumpsuits, what more do you people expect from a multimillion dollar summer blockbuster? In short, I don't want to hear anyone else bitch about "The Matrix: Reloaded" or any of those recent half-assed "Star Wars" prequels or any other passable but unremarkable sequels in a popular franchise ever again. And when I described "The Matrix: Relaoded" as "Tolkeinian," I was referring to the structure, not the quality. So there.

But harbingers of bad fortune loomed, some as unpredictable as the unfortunate string of rainy weekends, and some as obvious as the pending release of movies like "2 Fast 2 Furious" and "Hollywood Homicide." I accepted a freelance job at a local production company, scheduled to last from 4-6 weeks, with hints that it could become permanent. Two weeks later, while I was in Chicago, I was fired via telephone for reasons that have never been made clear to me. Losing one of the only decent industry jobs you've ever had after two weeks, especially if you honestly feel that you put your best effort into it and your superiors never even hinted that you were doing anything wrong, tends to make you question a lot of things about the course of your life. It's like how I feel about Ang Lee adapting "The Hulk"-I still want to believe it was a good idea, even though it sounded crazy at the time, but the end product makes it hard to see good intentions. So, jobless and prospectless, and armed with only an open unemployment claim, I attacked a long list of unpaid job openings on Mandy.com and attempted to finally make the jump into production work. Despite the fourteen-hour days, rain-drenched locations and complete lack of compensation above and beyond meals, the experience was rewarding, and now I can at least say that I've been credited as one of those guys that everyone sees in movie credits and wonders what they do. Unfortunately, one of my temp agencies called with a job while I was already scheduled to do a shoot, and apparently it's a violation of Unemployment to turn down a shitty job in favor of another that's actually in your field of expertise. Unemployment cut me off, and I waited for Arnold Schwartzenegger to show up with a backdated check from the future, informing me that I would some day be a great filmmaker who would save humanity from evil robots. But apparently I am not John Connor, a painful discovery since it also pooches all my plans to marry Claire Danes.

So here I am, in the dog days of August, back at temping-a little bit wiser, and a lot poorer. But as Super Chicken might say, "You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred." And as for this summer at the movies, to continue the current parallel construction… well, let's just say there are worse things than debt and unemployment.

Bruce Almighty: The eternal plight of Jim Carrey seems to be the Herculean task (or is it more Sisyphean?) of reconciling his serious side with his over-the-top comedy, and still making money. "Bruce Almighty" is a good compromise on that front: Carrey brings an enjoyable dose of screwball charm to his character, a community interest reporter from Buffalo, NY (repr'zent!) who longs to be taken seriously (sound familiar?) and become his station's new anchorman. It's a film with a classic Hollywood feel, where no issue is all that serious and no problem is insurmountable as long as the protagonist maintains a positive attitude. While this formula makes for light, enjoyable entertainment, it all seems a bit trite when dealing with big, unwieldy concepts like the meaning of life and the nature and power of God. Not unexpectedly, when Carrey is granted the power of The Almighty by Morgan Freeman's kindly, well-meaning rendition of God, he uses it only for sight gags and parlor tricks. I guess my patience is short for Hollywood movies that compact thousands of years of religious and philosophical debate into the idea that God is some well-meaning, kindly janitor of the universe who's just doing the best job he can. But I'm a silly intellectual curmudgeon, and I have to admit 'Bruce Almighty" was one of the summer's more entertaining movies.

The Italian Job: It's sad that this movie has wound up on so many critics' "Good" lists for this summer, probably only due to comparison to the glut of worse material in theaters. As heist movies go, "The Italian Job" is as formulaic and predictably flat-footed as they come. The fascination of watching a team of super-cool professional criminals plan out some spectacular caper is lacking when the pieces fall into place so easily (given an appropriate application of Murphy's Law, of course) and the characters and the story are so hackneyed and two-dimensional. While this movie will probably go down in history as the best commercial ever produced for the Mini Cooper, "The Italian Job" is an otherwise forgettable film, but looks good in a summer most notable for its much bigger bombs.

Finding Nemo: Thank you, Pixar! Thank you for consistently making smart, funny, original, enjoyable movies. Sadly, this is another one of the movies I saw at a midnight showing after a long day, and I wound up drifting in and out of consciousness throughout. But I can still say safely that it more fun than "A Bug's Life," if not as good as "Toy Story" or "Monsters, Inc." Best movie of the summer, other than "X2."

Hollywood Homicide: God have mercy on humanity that movies this bad ever get made. All this movie does is make Harrison Ford look old and Josh Hartnett look like a boring clod. There may be truth in the appearances of the latter, but even a good comedic actor like Harrison Ford couldn't be expected to make anything out of this script. The closest attempts at humor in this movie involve real estate, a brainless, good-looking dolt in LA using yoga to get laid, and a lot of snarky, wink-wink feeble attempts at inside jokes about life in Hollywood. "Get Shorty" was clever… this movie is just sad.

The Hulk: Funny side note about this movie… despite the fact that this movie made over $60 million in its debut weekend, and Marvel Comics had very little invested directly into this production, Marvel's stock dropped something like 20% in the week following "The Hulk's" release. But I just think that's further evidence that movies shouldn't be about money. I wondered all along what the heck Ang Lee was going to do with "The Hulk," and while the results were definitely surprising, I can't say they were satisfying. I have to commend Lee for the movie's transitional acrobatics, even if I found the barrage of picture-in-picture zooms and wipes distracting. Digital editing technology like this has been around for years, so why not use effects that are commonplace in commercials, music videos and even movie trailers in a feature film? The problem is, because 'The Hulk" limits this stylized editing to so few scenes, it only comes across as an annoying distraction in most of the scenes where it is put to use. (Then again, if the whole movie was edited that way I think some audience members might begin to experience motion sickness.) Inconsistency is the watchword for this movie: it's at times lurid and disturbing, sometimes coldly beautiful, occasionally cartoonish, and the rest of the time it tries to be a standard action movie-but it never reconciles its disparate themes and styles. An ambitions mess, certainly, but not a very interesting or watchable one.

Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle: This movie was everything I expected it to be: louder, more irritating, more directionless, more pointless, and even worse that the original. No amount of T&A short of full-on hardcore sex could save a project this flaccid. With all the free pornography on the internet, why would some brief scenes of Cameron Diaz in a bikini get me to plunk down ten bucks for a PG-13 movie? Exactly. The parts with Crispin Glover were kind of fun, though.

28 Days Later: Zombie/slasher movies are suddenly all the rage, and hot on the heels of Rob Zombie's homage to "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" comes Danny Boyle's take on George Romero's "Living Dead" films. I've always wondered why Romero has never tried to go the Sam Raimi route and make a serious film (although IMDB tells me he did a character drama called "There's Always Vanilla" in '71), so seeing a serious director like Boyle do a zombie flick is almost as good, if not better. It's hard for me to review this movie objectively, since I can only see it through the lens of "Dawn of the Dead." But Boyle's adaptations and modifications of Romero's ideas for the world of the new millenium are dead-on, and the results are as shocking and horrifying as they are enlightening. Hopefully the people responsible for upcoming horror offerings like "House Of The Dead" and the remake of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" will have at least a little of the smarts that Danny Boyle and "28 Days Later" showcase-although somehow I sincerely doubt it.

Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines: I expected this movie would be awful, so I was very pleasantly surprised when it turned out to be a perfectly serviceable action thriller. I sympathized with the main characters, was thoroughly wowed by the action sequences (That crane thing? Holy shit!) and never got bored or felt stupid for watching it. The ending certainly threw me for a loop, which was a pleasant surprise. And did I mention the action? Holy shit. I mean, that thing with the crane? Damn. There's no comparing this movie to "Terminator 2," but some movies are impossible to top.

Pirates of the Carribean: This movie is a good personality test. If you like swashbuckling adventure, scary zombie skeletons, and movies that don't take themselves seriously, you'll love this movie. On the other hand, if you hate completely unmotivated action, nonsensical plots, and movie that don't take themselves seriously, you may despise this movie. I loved it, but I was drunk at 11AM on a Sunday when I saw it. (Don't gimme that look… it was my only break from production work in a span of like two weeks.) But it did lead to some very interesting arguments among friends of mine, who deferred to such arcane film theorems as "pirate logic" when trying to justify the plot's motivation. There's no arguing that Johnny Depp is fantastically entertaining as Captain Jack Sparrow, the pirate captain who's been left out in the sun too long. Half the fun of the picture is trying to decide, along with everyone in the movie, if Sparrow might be the most legendary pirate captain ever, or an entirely incompetent loon. As much as I hate Jerry Bruckheimer, I'll have to forgive him for this one.

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: The advertising campaign for this movie had prepared me for the worst-another comic book adaptation in the vein of Joel Schumacher's contributions to the "Batman" film legacy. Visually busy and entirely devoid of content, you know the formula. "LXG" was not a good movie in any way. The plot was thin, derivative and reliant on inexplicable twists. Some of the dialogue could win an award for blatant exposition-the opening scene, where a messenger arrives to retrieve Alan Quartermaine from Africa, sounded like someone reading the back of the DVD case. And Mr. Hyde's foam rubber arms could have really used some elbows. But having prepared for the worst, I enjoyed what few pleasures the movie did have to offer. Sean Connery's rendition of Alan Quartermaine makes for a thoroughly turn-of-the-century hero-he lives by no code but his own, he's an unapologetic (but polite) chauvinist, and his only offensive maneuver in hand-to-hand combat is a straight right to the jaw. It's fun, but Connery is not enough to rescue a movie this poorly executed. The action is enough to make this movie watchable, unless you've actually read the Alan Moore comic book. If so, please save yourself the agony.

Spy Kids 3: Game Over: How Robert Rodriguez ever managed to squeeze in another Spy Kids sequel between work on "Spy Kids 2" and "Once Upon A Time In Mexico" is beyond me. A compressed budget and production schedule might explain why Juni Cortez, the youngest son of the Spy Kids clan, is the only character from the first two movies with a significant amount of screen time in this sequel. It also might explain why the script felt like it was written over a long weekend. But all the characters from the previous "Spy Kids" movies appear long enough for at least a cameo, and Sylvester Stallone steps in to deliver a comical self-parody as the film's requisite bad guy, The Toymaker. A clever and irreverent attitude, a slew of celebrity cameos (old faces and new) and, of course, the movie's 3-D special effects all chip in to make "Spy Kids 3-D" a fun little trip overall. I'll hand it to Robert Rodriguez, he knows how to entertain on a budget.

S.W.A.T.: If this movie had one thing that set it apart from this summer's other releases, that would be the potential for all-out urban warfare. TOTAL FUCKING CHAOS!!! RARRGH! Sadly there's only a few armed skirmishes worthy of "Grand Theft Auto 3," inspired by an international fugitive's offer of 100 million dollars to whoever can bust him out of the Los Angeles County pokey before he gets handed to the feds. Even though I never got my wish to see the nation's second-largest city erupt into complete criminal anarchy, "S.W.A.T." had enough crowd-pleasing moments to make it enjoyable. The movie mixes up the action with a few welcome touches of realism-the cops in this movie are cocky, overworked, and relish getting to rough up the occasional perp, and the citizens of LA are completely disrespectful and unappreciative. The movie dwells a little too long on a lot of boring training, but it's gritty and violent enough, and the boys in blue get to kick ass in the end. Plus Michelle Rodriguez is just too damn sexy when she does her tough girl thing. Oh, and she's a very talented actress, of course.

Freddy Vs. Jason: If I judged by audience reactions to trailers in front other movies I saw this summer, "Freddy Vs. Jason" may have been the most anticipated movie of the summer. Maybe that has to do with going to discount night screenings at a cinema in a major urban center, I don't know. But who wouldn't want to see these two teen-slaying, ad-nauseum sequel-generating movie murderers duke it out? We all know the slasher movie formula at this point-a dark and stormy night, a series of breast-enhanced "teens" indulging in various forms of forbidden youthful hijinks, cue the murderer, evil punishes immorality. So pitting slasher vs. slasher, with a few naughty teens in the way for fodder, is a neat little twist. As it turns out, watching Freddy and Jason tangle each other is just as much of a guilty as watching them scare straight the youth of suburban America. Limbs are severed, breasts are bared, victims are defenestrated, things explode. What more could you want from a horror movie? All I hope is the success of this movie gives director Ronny Yu a reason to resurrect the "Child's Play" series one last time and make "Son of Bride of Chucky."

I guess I shouldn't complain too much. I mean, when I started on this whole film path I knew it would be a tough road, and while I may not be working in my field, at least I'm working enough to pay the rent. And on the movie front, I could have put a little more effort into seeking out interesting, well-written films. But there are only so many hours in the day, and so many days in the week, and in the summer they seem to pass all that much faster. Especially when you're working 14-hour days on a film shoot. And it's tough to get friends like mine to pay $10 to see "The Dancer Upstairs" at the Angelika when they could see "Bad Boys II" instead for $3.50 on Tuesdays at the Center Cinema in Sunnyside. Perhaps what I need is new friends. In addition to the current crew, of course. But hey, if you ever want to see a movie, email me at wade@greathoboes.com with a movie you want to see and why you think I'm awesome and I'll see what I can do. And if you're a cute girl, be sure to include a photo.

-September 3, 2003