On the Quality of Things, #5 - "X2: X-Men United"

by Wade Stuckwisch

You may be asking yourself, "Now Mr. Stuckwisch, why are you going out of your way to review the new X-Men movie? Does is bear some greater social significance, or is it emblematic of some trend in modern Hollywood filmmaking?" Actually, no-the simple fact is that I had the opportunity to see a preview screening of "X2: X-Men United" four days before its release, and this gave me the rare opportunity to actually review a movie before its commercial release date (like some sort of REAL critic). That, and the movie was pretty friggin' sweet.

Now I should probably open by stating that I am not an X-Men fan. In fact, I still haven't even seen the first "X-Men" movie, despite that fact that Hoboes cartoonist Jacob Chabot got the "X-Men 1.5" DVD weeks ago. It's not that I hold anything against the X-Men franchise, it actually has a lot more to do with a general disinterest in comic book superheroes. Unlike characters like Batman, Superman, and Spider-Man, the X-Men never had a wide enough media exposure beyond comics in my childhood for me to take interest, and when I was actually exposed to the comics, I was not impressed.

Me, circa 1993: Hey, whatcha reading?
Comic-Reading Friend: X-Men.
Me c.1993: Can I take a look?
CRF: Sure.
X-Men comic: POW! WHIZZ! BANG!
Me c.1993: Wow, these chicks sure are drawn with their torsos and hips exaggerated far beyond the proportions of their waists.
CRF: They sure are. (smirk, drool)
Me c.1993: Hey, that's great. Listen, I'm gonna go back to worshipping Nirvana and having horrible skin and hair, OK?

With that in mind, you will see why this review will be short on criticisms like, "Man, why was Colossus only in the movie for like three minutes?!?!" and, "Come on, Professor X and Storm never would have had a hot, steamy interracial paraplegic sex scene in the comics." (Okay that last spoiler is a lie, but all you comic fans know you've fantasized about it. Sick slash-reading fucks.) But I think that gives me an excellent perspective on the movie as a whole, which I must say was "wildly entertaining" and indeed "a slam-bang action thrill-ride for the whole family." (Please, Hollywood, use my pull quotes!!!)

But seriously, folks, on its own merits "X2" is as great a summer action flick as they come. For starters, it has a plot and characters with depth, a feature which seemed to be going extinct among big-budget Hollywood pictures only a few years ago. I guess someone actually figured out that some comic fans buy books for the stories and not just for colorful, larger-than-life characters. And it was nice to see characters like Wolverine, a good guy who isn't afraid to KILL MOTHERFUCKERS. (Oh, and he does, mark my word.) Not just for the sake of propelling an action sequence, but because that violence is a vital part of Wolverine's character. Complimenting a compelling mutants vs. humans back story and characters with shades of complexity, "X2" also avoided predictable plot twists (or the unnecessary, unpredictable kind, which is just as bad) and cookie-cutter predicaments. ("Oh no, this bomb has to be disarmed by cutting it open, freezing it and then raining on it! What ever shall we do!") It also never succumbed to using special effects for their own sake. The opening sequence where Nightcrawler invades the White House doesn't just depend on quick cuts and explosions - it's beautifully choreographed and creatively designed and rendered, and if the audience reaction at my screening was any indication, audiences do actually notice that kind of thing. Just because you can catapult a car fifteen feet in the air doesn't mean anyone is going to care, especially since we've all seen it a million times at this point.

Yes, I realize that I just said a lot about what "X2" isn't, and very little about what it is. But to me, when it comes to a movie like "X2," that's what I think the majority of a movie's audience wants to know. We all know it should have a fast pace, big action, exciting fight sequences, exotic heroes with fantastic super powers, an evil bad guy who gets his due, and a happy ending - all of which it does. The important thing is that "X2" isn't asinine, flat, hopelessly predictable, or the same action movie we've seen a million times. I know that Jerry Bruckheimer's bank account should tell me otherwise, but I think the recent success of smarter action movies like "The Matrix," "Spider-Man" and both "Lord of the Rings" movies should prove that a solid script should matter as much as a multi-million dollar effects budget.

So what did I like best about "X2"? The fact that I didn't feel dumber for having seen it. Fanboys, commence to arguing about the details, but the rest of you are in for a highly enjoyable trip to the movies.

-April 29, 2003