On the Quality of Things, #19
Hollywood Strikes back

by Wade Stuckwisch
illustration by Jacob Chabot

If there's one thing I learned this semester, it's that if you ever want to foment a virulent argument among a group of film students, ask this question: "Did you think Junebug or Thumbsucker was a better movie?" Trust me, you will get more strong opinions on the matter than you ever expected or wanted, and may even get into a volley of personal insults or an in-depth discussion on the nature and quality of an individual's "taste." Personally, I thought both movies were a little too image-conscious for their own good. Thumbsucker started out looking like a Director of Photography's client reel, and at first glance Junebug looked like it was going to have more to do with clever editing than an engaging story. It was like both sets of filmmakers set out thinking, "OK, maybe no one will see this movie, or care about the story, but godammit, this movie will LOOK good on my reel." Personally, I still believe that the structure and form of a narrative film should complement the subject and story, rather than distract from it. I did begin to sympathize with the plight of the unfortunate young lad in Thumbsucker once the filmmakers finished showing off, and I thought that Junebug did an admirable job of showing all facets of the interactions between the sophisticate New York art dealer and her husband's North Carolinean family without drifting into stereotypes. On the other hand, I don't think either movie was worth shedding blood to defend. And neither one could hold a candle to last year's real champion of indie snob flicks, The Squid and The Whale. Thrppft.

So I'm just about done with film school, and film school appears to be just about done with me. The faculty here at FSU seems to have little idea of what to do with graduating students when they aren't directly involved with post-production on thesis films, and the students don't seem to know what to do with themselves. It's a little like waking up the night after a sleazy one-night stand - "What are you still doing here?" (Dang it, what movie is that from?) I won't get too deep into the politics of the situation, which in unabridged form would read something like the history of the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. I'll just say that, due to a mixture of senioritis, limited resources and a lot of complicated history, I have next to nothing to do for the next two months. The good news is that I have a lot of time to write, and a lot of time to watch movies. So I've been trying to finish a couple of screenplays, put a dent in my Netflix queue, and catch up on a good number of the films I missed in late winter and spring (God bless 50 cent Tuesdays at the $1.50 movie theater), all while keeping pace with the opening barrage of this year's summer blockbuster offensive. (Bombs away!) Here's the big picture:

The Pink Panther: Does anyone recall how this movie was supposed to be released last fall, and then suddenly got pushed back to spring? Did anybody else notice that this movie seemed really disjointed, especially at any point where Beyonce Knowles walked in? Like in that airport scene, where we never see anything but the back of her head? I have to wonder if this movie was extensively recut at some point. Hmm… that's possibly a more perplexing mystery than the one in the film: did someone kill a good movie, or was it dead on its feet all along? I think the funniest part of The Pink Panther was watching Steve Martin perform in his outrageous faux-French accent with Jean Reno, the world's most famous French tough guy, completely deadpan by his side the whole time. Then again, that sort of situational irony isn't really laugh-out-loud funny, it's more "oh look at that, that's funny" funny. Steve Martin is amusing enough as Clouseau (although as a caveat, I haven't seen the original Peter Sellers movies) but the story is like swiss cheese pureed in a blender, and the good jokes are few and far between. What accent exactly was Kevin Kline attempting? Only plus side: Emily Mortimer is a MAD cutie. And you know that I never geek out for a cute actress in these reviews - after all, I'm a professional…

Dave Chapelle's Block Party: I'm certain this isn't everyone's kind of movie, as it's basically a chronicle of Dave Chapelle using his newfound clout and bankroll to throw a free concert in Brooklyn. On the other hand, there's something magical about the impish glee Chapelle gets from every anarchic step of the journey. For example, he pays to bring a busload of folks to the show from his hometown in southern Ohio, including a black university's marching band that winds up performing the opening to Kanye West's big hit "Jesus Walks." It's like the documentary equivalent of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, only with Charlie running the chocolate factory. There are plenty of doses of reality in the movie, like when Chapelle visits a nearby youth center in Bedford-Stuyvesant (Dave quotes the center's administrator, laughing: "Yeah, it's a mixed neighborhood… Black and Hispanic") or when one man talks about his parents being murdered by the police for being involved with the Black Panthers. Even with adversity on all sides, Chapelle and his cohorts manage to show that with a group of passionate, dedicated artists, a little money and a break in the rain, something beautiful and unique can happen. And Dave is funny as hell. Mos Def playing the drums and setting up bad jokes for Dave to crack up The Roots in rehearsal is worth the price of a rental alone.

V for Vendetta: Did anyone else see a political allegory in this film, or was it just me? I still find it a little hard to believe that a mainstream film suggested that terrorism could be used to fight an oppressive regime, and a democratic government might be capable of unleashing a terrorist plot on its own citizens. And it was fun! Maybe the scariest part is that I couldn't believe I didn't get arrested by the Thought Police when I left the theater. Strange days these are, that we live in… The parallels to current events aren't exactly subtle in this movie, but the fictional world does allow a general audience to enjoy the action without thinking too much about what it might be suggesting about the real world. Some film student part of my brain kept feeling like something was wrong with the progression of the story, the way it hopped from Evey (Natalie Portman)'s story to the detectives chasing V to V's exploits and back again, but it all worked out beautifully in the end. And boy, that Alan Moore… he really knows how to take a story in a controversial, unexpected direction. What does it say, that Hollywood can make a movie where a terrorist blows up Parliament in the end and everyone cheers? I guess it says something about the power of fiction. I don't see anything wrong with that, as long as an intelligent audience can still distinguish between fiction and reality, and watch the media with a critical eye. And we can all do that… right?

Inside Man: It's a great twist on the heist story. The plan goes off at the beginning of the movie, and the plot revolves around whether the bad guys will get away with it. Then, the real question arises: who are the bad guys? And who is getting away with what? Writer Russell Gewirtz and director Spike Lee do an excellent job of adding a level of moral mystery to the usual bank robbery story, where the characters' motivations become the safe that needs to be cracked. There are plenty of heist movies where the audience wants the robbers to get away with it, and plenty where they want the cops to win, but I don't think there are many that play the cat-and-mouse game with the audience, as they decide whom to trust, this well. The story is excellent, the cast is superb, and the movie is definitely entertaining. And as an exiled New Yorker, all the little infusions of the city's flavors made me miss my adopted home.

Silent Hill: I hate to use the phrase "post-September 11th," since it's constantly abused and overused to describe the current state of our culture. You would think that the events of September 11th had transformed every aspect of our daily lives irreparably. ("Gee, Marge, ever since September 11th, the milk just doesn't taste the same, you know?") I have been noticing, however, that there have been a lot of movies released in the five years since September 11th that have plots based on a seemingly moral ruling body, assailed by a hostile outside force, that carries out questionable actions in the name of morality and/or survival and turns out to be the bad guys in the end. In a way, it's getting a little tiresome. Isn't there some other sort of topical moral ambiguity we could write into Hollywood screenplays for a while? I hate to think that Hollywood is our last defense against the current regime and the concurrent mindset ruling America. But this is a review of Silent Hill, and it would be unfair to focus purely on the plot and themes of a horror movie instead of talking about how scary it was. It's somewhat novel to see a movie and think, "It was scary, but it wasn't as good as the video game." I think that says something about the maturity of interactive digital media - that developers are discovering and exploiting the medium's unique aspects. For example, video games offer immediacy to the empathetic relationship with the main character. When a monster jumps out in a video game, you don't just stare at the screen and yell, "Run, bitch, run!" - YOU run. (Resident Evil actually did a really good job of establishing that sort of relationship. The movie started with the main character alone in a strange world with no memory, just like the way a player would start a video game, so the audience was lured into establishing empathy with that character from the get-go. And it didn't hurt that the character was a nude Milla Jovovich.) When a scary monster appears in a video game for the first time, many times it jumps out and kills you before you know what's going on. Then, when you reload the game and you run into it again, you fear it, because the fucker already eviscerated you once. It's tough to replicate that in a movie. Silent Hill also forewent a lot of the structural touches that lure you into a horror film to make you afraid. The convention of things jumping out of the dark just when you relax in horror films does get tiresome, or even laughable, when directors become overly dependent on it, but that emotional interplay with the audience is what makes the scary moments really terrifying. Even if Silent Hill misses a couple scares, the creepiness of the atmosphere and the design of the monsters - most of which was borrowed from the video game - was enough to keep me cringing in my seat for large portions of the movie. The film was cheesy at first, but improved greatly as the plot unfolded. And the climax? Oh my God, how did anything that gory get an "R" rating? In conclusion, I hope you enjoyed my three critical essays on Silent Hill wedged into one movie review. Anybody want to hire me as a professor in a couple years when I burn out on Hollywood?

Thank You For Smoking: Anti-hero characters are always fun to watch - you feel like you are getting away with something naughty by sympathizing with them. What better anti-hero, then, than a character whose flaw is making people sympathize with him for all the wrong reasons? While Thank You For Smoking is a highly enjoyable satire of the cigarette industry, Hollywood marketing ties and Washington lobbyists, I couldn't help from coming away from the movie thinking that the filmmakers hadn't quite fully exploited the promise of the material. Maybe it's because Aaron Eckhart's character of Nick Naylor could have been much less likable, which would have made watching him get away with defending the tobacco industry much more juicy. Instead, his character seems to be getting the short end of the stick more often than not, all while he is trying to do right by his young son (played by the creepy kid in Birth, Cameron Bright). It's a touch sugary for my taste, but considering how tough it is to make an anti-hero sympathetic to the audience, I guess I might chalk that up to personal preference. Smart, funny, sharp as a razor and definitely worth seeing.

Mission: Impossible III: Historically, I have never been enamored with the "Mission: Impossible" franchise, or other mystery spy thriller movies with an unexpected twist every ten minutes. Maybe I'm just too slow to pick up on the intricacies of the plot, or maybe my memory isn't good enough to keep all the pieces together. Or maybe I know in the back of my mind that whatever I'm being led to believe in the film will be proved untrue in the final minutes when the real conspiracy is revealed. Why should I do all that detective work for nothing, if all the clues are aimed towards misdirection and the least likely answer is always the correct one? I think a lot of screenwriters get caught up in creating all these superfluous subplots just because they don't want any smart-asses leaving the theater saying, "I solved the mystery in the first twenty minutes!" If the answer to the puzzle comes out of nowhere, what's the point? ANYONE could have been the real bad guy! That said, the plot of M:I:3 wasn't nearly as Byzantine as the plot of the first Mission: Impossible movie. Unfortunately, the main character of Ethan Hunt is the most boring, static protagonist imaginable. I guess we're supposed to just like him because he's Tom Cruise, or get caught up in his relationship with his new wife, but since his wife is also horrendously boring there's no reason to care about anyone in the movie. It's not as ridiculous as the first movie or as cornball as the second, but other than the grandiose scale of the action scenes, there's not much to latch onto. Watch Lost instead.

The Da Vinci Code: Didn't read the book, didn't much care for the movie. While I do find the history of early Christianity to be a fascinating and enlightening subject, I don't really see any need to have that debate distilled down to ten or fifteen minutes of dialogue between Ian MacKellan and Tom Hanks. The virulent evangelical Christian backlash is highly entertaining, though. "Pay no attention to the man behind the godhead!" The film did manage to become an engaging sort of mystery/adventure by the end, but only after a long stretch of snooze-inducing backstory. Save your money - go to the library and borrow the book if you're that interested in the subject matter.

X3: The Last Stand: Heh, should have called it "The Last Sequel." (Yeah, as if.) I've never much liked director Brett Ratner, so I was predisposed for mediocrity. (An open letter to Brett Ratner and any other director I may have spoken ill of on this website: In case I ever have the opportunity to work for any of you in my future career, please know in your hearts that I didn't really mean any of those nasty things about you and your work. I am but a simple Internet movie critic; you are the creative genius.) Also, I have no preconceptions regarding the franchise - liked the first movie, loved the sequel, never read the comic or watched the cartoon. That said, I thought the movie was OK. Not great by any means, but not anywhere near Batman and Robin territory, either. I never really felt like the plotline involving the cure for mutation and the one involving (caution: mild spoiler) Jean Grey as The Phoenix had anything to do with each other, and together they just wound up detracting from the unity of the story. There was little substantial character development, and the stuff with The Juggernaut was just god-awful. And what was up with (sorry, more spoilers) that androgynous mutant who just silently follows Magneto around for most of the film for no good reason, then suddenly steps forward to swing the tide of the final battle right when they need her? Lame. On the other hand, there was some good action, I really liked Kelsey Grammer as The Beast, Rebecca Romijn (spoilers abound!) was nude, albeit briefly, and Cameron Bright still creeps me the fuck out. (Have you all seen Birth? This fucking kid plays a 30-year old man reincarnated as a ten-year-old kid, and he sells it perfectly. See Birth!) I don't know, something happens to me in early summer where my brain turns off and all I really want is dumb action without anything overtly complex or irritating. (Please refer back to the review of M:I:3 above for more evidence of this summer brain death phenomenon.) I mean, didn't I say some positive things about Van Helsing last summer? That should give you a sense of my standards. But in fairness, I think that's an ailment that afflicts a lot of people - especially considering how well X3 has fared at the box office so far.

Cars: Pixar has done nothing but enjoyable work to date, in my opinion and the opinion of millions of ticket purchasing movie-goers over the years. Cars, on the other hand, I found a little disappointing. Maybe it's just the fact that it's tough to endow too much character into a car without it ceasing to be a car. A world full of cars is a lot less inviting that a world full of superheroes, or friendly monsters, or animated toys. On a subconscious level, the price of gas, the war in Iraq and the state of the environment probably don't help make the idea of a world full of anthropomorphic cars seem that attractive, either. The story is a little thin and well-worn, but engaging characters usually make that an ignorable issue. I don't know… none of these cars ever really captured my heart, I guess. The movie gets better by the end when the Frank Capra touches begin to kick in, but it still pales by comparison to the rest of the Pixar oeuvre. On another subject, did anybody else notice the striking similarities between Cars and the mostly forgotten Oliver Stone film U-Turn? I smell a lawsuit…

Nacho Libre: Let's put it this way: if you didn't like Napoleon Dynamite, you probably won't like Nacho Libre. If you did like Jared and Jerusha Hess's last comedy offering, you still may find Nacho Libre a little too offbeat or juvenile for your tastes. Me, I thought it was hilarious. Everything in the movie, from the timing of the jokes to Jack Black's not quite Mexican accent, is just a little skewed from what you might expect. As offbeat humor goes, this movie could be considered the King Crimson of comedies. (Four random prog-rock snobs just understood that analogy.) I actually saw one reviewer use the term "Brechtian" to describe Jack Black's acting. I don't know if I would compare Nacho Libre to Threepenny Opera, but there is an art to the film's non-natural comic delivery, something more akin to a light-hearted version of an Alex Cox comedy. Straight To Hell with wrestlers! Brilliant! If you know Jack Black and Mike White are funny, and you think Jared and Jerusha Hess are funny, give Nacho Libre a try. What's the worst thing that happens - you walk away thinking it was't that funny?

"So, you're about to be certified as a Master of the Fine Art of filmmaking come August," you are asking me now. "What next?" Currently, much like an orangutan slung between a stoner and a fat man in an overcoat, my fate is dragging me to Hollywood. Hey, you go where the work is. And from what I hear, moving from the industry in LA to elsewhere is much easier than doing things the other way around. I would love to come back to New York, or explore some other part of the world, but right now it seems like this is the best time for me to give Hollywood a try. At least I'm finally getting the fuck out of Tallahassee. I won't deny that there have been some things I've liked about living south of the Mason-Dixon line. I'll always be grateful for the day I went to the DMV and the woman behind the counter didn't know what "inspection" was. I'm probably going to pay a lot more attention when Florida State plays Miami in the future. And I'm sure I'll miss hash browns scattered all the way at the Waffle House, authentic pit barbecue, 24" rims on Caprice Classics, and free pizza on Sundays at Poor Paul's when I move out west. But when I think of the lack of culture, the traffic, the overpriced fast food, the bars crammed with frat brothers, the legions of bored cops, the 35 MPH speed limits on main thoroughfares and all the "W'04" stickers that popped up after the 2004 election (way to hedge your bets, guys) I'm going to be glad that I'm anywhere but Tallahassee. Screw you, Dixie - I'm moving to Los Angeles! Peace out, y'all.

-Published on The Great Hoboes of New York on July 12, 2006.