On the Quality of Things, #17
Blaggard's Day

by Wade Stuckwisch
illustration by Jacob Chabot

Blaggard (derived from "Blackguard"): n. 1. an unprincipled person: SCOUNDREL. 2. a foul-mouthed person. v. to abuse verbally. (Webster's II New Riverside University Dictionary)

All good people of the world hate Valentine's Day. You know it, and if you would dare argue against that point, you are a fucker of the worst sort. Certainly many people tolerate Valentine's Day, or enjoy it purely due to their existing affection for one's partner of choice. But people, does this justify reminding the rest of us on an annual basis that we are alone and unloved, or we are going through the motions in a loveless relationship, or that there are thousands of other idiots out there willing to invest much more money and effort into their loveless relationships than us, and they're making us look bad? Of course not! However, due to the efforts of some prick at Hallmark decades ago, we are all stuck with this rotten miserable holiday, and no one will question it because no one dares speak against the institution of LOVE. "Why, how dare you, cad!" they say. "Love makes the world go round!" (In actuality I believe that force is gravity or momentum or some such thing, but having learned a thing or two from Copernicus and Galileo, I'm going to keep my mouth shut.) "Love is all you need! Love brings us together!" Blah blah blah blah blah and more "Moulin Rouge" drivel. I'm tired of it.

There have been plenty of other awful boring holidays throughout the ages based on lame things like penitence, atonement, chastity and other such nonsense. However-in Christendom especially, where many religious holidays were scheduled to detract from much cooler pagan celebrations-other boring holidays often have a much cooler holiday associated with them, either the day before or a few days later. Ash Wednesday has Fat Tuesday, a.k.a. Mardi Gras. All Saint's Day has Halloween, my personal favorite holiday. Easter has Dingus Day, assuming you are fortunate enough to be Polish. Christmas and New Year's Day have New Year's Eve, which is actually another holiday on my shit list, just because there's so much pressure to do something really special and all the bars are super expensive, but I digress. Even Thanksgiving has that night before where you meet up with all your old high school friends and get shitfaced while you marvel at how fat, old and boring all of you have gotten. Valentine's Day, on the other hand, has nothing. Nothing, that is, until now.

Now I don't know why some other smart fellow or filly hasn't come up with the idea before to make the night before Valentine's Day an official evening of debauchery. Probably that person was too concerned about getting rested up for the next day's activities with his or her better half. Also, it's possible this person isn't nearly as bitter about Valentine's Day and relationships in general as I am. However, I am taking it upon myself to use the suggestive powers of the Internet to re-christen Valentine's Eve as a celebration of cynicism, selfishness, and going it alone. Besides, getting drunk alone on Valentine's Day would be a lot more pleasant if was due to chasing a hangover from a great party the night before.

Before I continue, I would like to stress that Valentine's Eve should not be just a holiday for single people. In the same way that one can dress up like a devil, get drunk and go home with a complete stranger on Halloween and then go to church on All Saint's Day, people in happy couples should feel free to curse at co-workers, get drunk with friends, and jump off a roof into a freezing-cold swimming pool on Blaggard's Day and still go out for a romantic dinner on Valentine's Day. Blaggard's Day is a celebration of what it means to be single, surly and anti-social, but there's no reason to construe that as being in opposition to any other sort of lifestyle. It's just a time to appreciate how the other half lives.

And on that note...

I declare to you, the reading public that as of right now, February 13th is officially BLAGGARD'S DAY, a day for cynics and scoundrels!

As proved by the continued popularity of Festivus, what a new holiday needs to be truly successful are some traditions. Traditions are obviously subject to ethnic, religious and regional variations, but I thought I might suggest a few to get you all started.

Official Color: Black, obviously. Is there any better color in God's creation?

Official Logo: I'm torn between a skull and crossbones, since "blaggard" is such a popular term among pirates, or something akin to a black heart, a broken heart or a heart in a crossed out circle. I think I'll just leave that one up to the public. You could always use both interchangeably. Be creative, people!

Official Greeting: "Fuck you, Happy Blaggard's Day!" "Happy Blaggard's Day, shithead!" or a similar greeting.

Official Beverage: Gin. Gin and bitters, preferably. In these dark days of Cosmopolitans and flavored, vodka-based "martinis," gin's reputation and popularity has been diminished by many a sweeter, fruitier cocktail. I say, fuck that! Drink the beverage your granddad drank when he felt bitter and cynical. Besides, gin makes a man mean, as many a Milk and Cheese comic has taught us. Whiskey, tequila and vodka are also OK for variety, as long as they aren't mixed with anything too sweet or sugary. Whatever you drink, the predominant ingredient (at least ½ by volume) should be liquor of at least 80 proof. Also, tropical rum drinks are acceptable, but only to stick with the whole pseudo-pirate motif of the holiday. (Just don't confuse Blaggard's Day with International Talk Like A Pirate Day, which is September 19th.) Under no circumstances should any wine weaker than 20% alcohol or beer weaker than 8% alcohol be consumed for Blaggard's Day, unless it is mixed with liquor or drank as a chaser.

Official Music: AC/DC. Other music is OK as long as it has nothing to do with love, and that includes love gone wrong, lack of love, or plain old depression. Songs about Satan, alcohol, fast vehicles and sharp cutting instruments are preferable. If AC/DC ever did a ballad, that song will be excluded from all official Blaggard's Day playlists. Music that is purely about fucking is also OK. The only exception to this rule is "Love Stinks" by the J. Geils Band, which must be played at maximum volume and sung along to once everyone is hammered (additional details below).

Blaggard's Day Cards: Valentine's Day cards are the fakest thing on earth, and everybody knows it from the day they start kindergarten and the teacher reminds them to bring one for everyone, including that annoying spastic kid in the class that no one likes. (Not that I didn't appreciate it, everyone.) That's why no one should take offence when you pass out your Blaggard's Day cards. Drop your favorite secretary a note that says, "I Hope You Fucking Die, You Heartless Bitch! Happy Blaggard's Day!" Show your paperboy that you appreciate him with a little note that says, "Happy Blaggard's Day-Eat Shit in Hell, You Cocksucking Motherfucker!" You'll all have a good laugh about it, and feel that much better for cutting through all that fake sentiment and politeness, all while relieving some stress. Remember to save your most heartfelt greetings for that special someone that you secretly, genuinely despise...

"Quality Alone Time": You know how to satisfy yourself, and it's time to stop taking it for granted. Take your time and try to make it special today. Consider picking up some fresh new novelties to make it that much more unique and exciting. If your relationship has been preventing you from satisfying yourself recently, re-acquaint yourself with you skills as a soloist. After all, didn't a great man once say, "You can't please anyone if you can't please yourself?" (I'm pretty sure it was Gandhi or Einstein. And whoever said it, I'm certain he or she was talking about jerking off.)

Henry Rollins Appreciation (Optional): February 13th is, after all, everyone's favorite punk-turned-a-profit's birthday. Find that spoken word tape you bought in high school and pop it in the deck in the car, or crack open a copy of "Black Coffee Blues" and enjoy the musings of America's favorite misanthrope and confirmed bachelor.

Get Together With Friends: Hey, remember those people you used to hang out with? You know, before you met your significant other? Ah yes, your FRIENDS! The ones who stood by you while others demanded all your attention, stole all your money or wrenched your neck by pulling your hair too hard during oral pleasure. Tonight, on Valentine's Eve, you are going to show your appreciation for them by spending some time with them. You can bring your significant other along, but ONLY if you share the same group of friends and his or her presence does not prevent you from enjoying yourself with them. (Please consult with your friends privately in advance to make sure this is actually the case.) The venue of choice for this gathering is up to you, but please note that the evening's activities should be geared towards an event that does NOT encourage single people to try attract members of their preferred gender-ignoring your friends to chase tail does NOT count as quality Blaggard's Day time.

Senseless Act of Destruction: Once you have everyone together, start off your Blaggard's Day with the senseless destruction of an item selected specifically for this purpose. The item may be burned, smashed, exploded or otherwise dismembered by any means that you wish, as long as that means involves gratuitous physical violence. This would be a perfect time to involve fireworks or piñatas in your celebration. I personally suggest that you construct a piñata of a cherub, teddy bear, kitten, or other cute creature, fill it with plastic "airplane bottles" of liquor, then go to town on it with sporting implements (e.g. golf clubs, cricket bats, field hockey sticks, jai alai cestas, arrows or whatever else you have around).

Get Surly Drunk: There's a big difference between the way you drink when you're having a good time and the way you drink when you just lost your job, your car needs $500 in repairs and you might have bowel cancer. That last one is how you're going to drink on the night of Blaggard's Day. You don't actually have to be angry, just drink like you're angry. Be sure to force everyone around you to do the same as well, either through subtle persuasion (drinking games, etc.) or by forceful coercion and badgering. Now is the time to take advantage of all of your friends' insecurities. They'll thank you when the hangover wears off and you tell them what an awesome Blaggard's Day they had, even though they can't remember a thing about it.

Feats of Juvenilia: Here's your capper to the evening. Once everyone is good and hammered, do something completely stupid that your better half would never let you do under normal circumstances. This doesn't have to be something worthy of "Jackass" or "Backyard Wresting," but then again, Blaggard's Day is only once a year. If possible and/or permissible, end your Blaggard's Day by sleeping with a complete stranger. Be sure to choose someone that you would never sleep with under normal circumstances, as Blaggard's Day tradition disallows spending the night or exchanging phone numbers after the deed. Also, please keep in mind that condoms save lives, and prevent unwanted ones from getting underway.

So there ya go-your 13th of February is scheduled for you. Now all you have to do is go out and do it! Be sure to send your Blaggard's Day photos and anecdotes to us at Great Hoboes so that we can document the holiday's increasing popularity for those bastards at Hallmark. This is YOUR day, dammit, so go do what you will, and don't give a damn for what other people think! Fuckin-a-that's-right!