On the Quality of Things, #12
All Time Favorite Bad Movies

by Wade Stuckwisch
illustration by Jacob Chabot

Ho-boy what a month. No sooner do I finish with the grad school applications than the rejections start rolling in. Which was expected, since most MFA film programs are extremely competitive, but it's still a letdown to think that you spent weeks of your life and $55 applying to a school, just to get an email from them four months later that starts, "We regret to inform," continues with "very large number of applicants" somewhere in the middle and ends, "…best wishes for success in all your future endeavors." At the very least, I feel protocol dictates that bad news should be delivered by telephone or paper correspondence rather than electronic messaging. It's a respect thing, please.

I guess the obvious topic for this column would be "The Passion of The Christ" and the surrounding controversy, but I haven't seen it. Personally, while I have no problem with a director taking a stand and releasing a controversial film despite objections, I do feel morally obligated not to contribute to the box office receipts of a film that sells itself through race-baiting. I suppose the discrepancy in worldwide grosses between "Passion" and a less controversial film targeting the same audience like, say, "Left Behind" could have something to do with overall quality, as well as the universal appeal of the Passion story as compared to the more strictly evangelical Protestant appeal of the "Left Behind" series. Still, I can't help but feel that the astronomical returns on investment that "Passion" has been seeing is in part due to cynical media manipulation amid a concerted effort by the filmmakers to get the message out to Christian Americans that "the immoral secular media and the Jewish establishment in Hollywood don't want you to see this movie." Well, Mel is laughing last, since he beat Hollywood at their own game-making money. And as we speak, the Hollywood establishment (which is in reality an ethnically and religiously diverse body of rich people) is now falling all over themselves repositioning on "Passion" for that very reason. I'm half curious and half petrified to see what sort of films will attach themselves to "Passion's" coattails. And I can't wait to see this fracas return with a vengeance when the time for Oscar nominations rolls around. Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to rumble!

Come to think of it, I already saw one film in the same vein as "Passion": "Dawn of the Dead." No kidding-please, hear me out. For starters, there's that line about "when there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth," which is taken directly from George Romero's original but given special emphasis in the remake. Throw in Johnny Cash's rendition of "When The Man Comes Around" (which is a religious experience for anyone with a soul) over the opening credits, and suddenly your zombie gore-fest is a morality play about Armageddon. Brilliant! If you think about it, it makes perfect positioning sense. It only seems like that much more of a natural progression when you consider the graphic depictions of violence in "The Passion of the Christ." Personally I prefer the more absurdist subtleties of the social commentary in Romero's original to that which remains in the updated version; the new version is primarily focused on zombie terror and gore, and the social interaction included adds little to the material Romero explored. However, the new "Dawn of the Dead" should be a pleasure to fans of the genre, and although not nearly as clever as the original, it bears no shame as its namesake. But returning to my previous thought: in the wake of films like "The Passion" and "Dawn of the Dead," combined with the recent witch-hunt with regards to obscenity in media, I predict a revival of the moralist exploitation film, in the vein of B-movie relics like "The Violent Years." Satisfy every moviegoer's base desires with violence and loose women, then tack on a heavy-handed moral, and still garner church group approval! Pure genius!

Speaking of B-movie classics: since I expounded on the Oscars last month (Was I right about "Lord of the Rings" or what? Eh?) I've decided this month to turn things around and talk about bad movies. Most everyone has a list of their all-time favorite films, and many of us have compiled lists over the years of the all-time worst films we've ever witnessed. (For me, compiling an official top ten is usually a struggle comparing misbegotten serious films like "The Postman," "A Life Less Ordinary" or the forgotten Robin Williams stinkbomb "Being Human" with painfully awful sci-fi fare like "Mortal Kombat: Annihilation" or "The Crow 2: City of Angels." But that was all before I saw "Master of Disguise.") But for a fan of serious film fare like myself, there always seems to be a dichotomy between "favorite films" and "best films" when creating a list of favorites. For example, a lot of people would cite "Caddyshack" as one of the top comedies they've seen (especially if they play golf), but by strict "Citizen Kane" standards there's no possible way "Caddyshack" could be described as a good movie. I mean, what does that plot with the kid who's trying to win the golf tournament have to do with anything? Exactly. But hey, that's no fault against "Caddyshack," that's simply an indicator that sometimes a "bad" film deserves to be judged on a different scale. And with that in mind, I wish to present a thorough (but by no means definitive) list of some of my all-time favorite bad movies. So pop some Extra Butter-Flavored Grease popcorn, kick back and enjoy…

All-Time Favorite Bad Movie: Pootie Tang
It pains me to place "Pootie Tang" on this list, as to put "Pootie Tang" on this list is to confess that "Pootie Tang" is a bad movie. For me this is akin to admitting that your significant other is a manipulative whore. I mean, how could anyone not love this movie? The hero is a man who's literally too cool for words (unless "sa da tay" counts as words) who fights bad guys like Dirty Dee and Corporate America with his magic belt. (The thing with the belt and Pootie Tang's squeaky-clean lifestyle always reminds me of my dad's stories about the saspirilla-drinking, non-gun-toting Saturday morning cowboy heroes of his generation.) Oh sure, "Pootie Tang" could be a textbook case for expository voice-over (although that often becomes a joke in and of itself) and sure, it looks like it was shot for five grand. On the other hand, with its quirky characters and sly innocence, it's hilarious in a way that no other movie is hilarious. Critics be damned- "Pootie Tang" is the "Citizen Kane" of nonsense-talking super action hero comedies. And you can quote me on that.

All-Time Favorite Bad Movie - Action/Drama: Scarface
I find it amusing that "Scarface" has somehow traversed the perilous chasm between "cult classic" and "classic cinema," and traded in its bad boy reputation as an overwrought bullet-fest for an image that flirts with respectability. Call it a success story born on the streets, I guess. Let's face it-"Scarface" is not a good movie. It's completely, ludicrously over-the-top in every possible coke-fuelled, blood-drenched respect, with only a thin veneer of story and character development as justification. That said, what's not to love about a picture that's completely, ludicrously over-the-top in every possible coke-fuelled, blood-drenched respect? I just think it's important that, as we cinephiles relish every gory kill and every one of the hundreds of times Al Pacino says "fuck" in that wacky accent, we keep in mind that "Scarface" is actually a very, very silly, trashy movie. But, like some blond, underage, oversexed, underdressed and overdeveloped pop music star, that's why we love it.

All-Time Favorite Bad Movie - Comedy: Dirty Work
When Norm MacDonald started his stint as the news anchor for SNL's "Weekend Update," I thought he was the least funny individual on the face of the earth. Eventually someone clued me in that therein lies the genius (OK, maybe not genius… maybe idiosyncrasy) of Norm MacDonald's comedy. Much like Chevy Chase (another participant in "Dirty Work"), Norm's comedic gifts lay in deadpan. However, instead of Chevy Chase's sly and subtle (often a little too subtle) taste for deadpan comedy, Norm's gift is for delivering wholly obscene material with a straight face, like when he and Artie Lange have a serious conversation that ends with, "Hey, are you pissing off this roof?" "Dirty Work" is the cinema equivalent of yelling, "Who farted?" in a fancy dinner party-crude, tasteless, and a touch obvious, but still in its own way hilarious.

All-Time Favorite Bad Movie - Sci-Fi/Fantasy: Hell Comes to Frogtown
In the history of trash cinema, "Hell Comes To Frogtown" may have the best premise ever conceived of. Sam Hell (played with appropriate gusto by "They Live" star and professional wrestling legend "Rowdy" Roddy Piper) plays one of the last fertile men alive after a nuclear holocaust. Unfortunately, he's been arrested by the current matriarchal rulers, and sent on a dangerous mission to rescue fertile women from the evil Frog-men mutants. Oh, and he has an explosive device strapped to his jock to ensure that he doesn't flee from his female warden. Best line: "I used to care about a lot of things. Then they blew them up." And it only gets better from there.

All-Time Favorite Bad Movie - Coming-of-Age Comedy: Glory Daze
I think, in order to fully appreciate this movie, one needs to have a lingering love of cheap beer, misunderstood philosophy, and NOFX. In what other movie would a group of drunk punker guys who act like frat boys, while bitching about women, attempt to quote Camus? It's the perfect mix of the high-minded and low-brow elements that have collided to write the continuing history of SoCal punk rock, and bred a generation of kids who don't quite understand the irony in Black Flag or the Dead Kennedys, but still think they're intellectuals because they listen to Bad Religion. These are my kind of people. I think seeing Ben Affleck with a sort-of Mohawk and Matt Damon appearing in a bit part as "The Pudwacker" is enough reason to see a movie, but "Glory Daze" also happens to be a rather touching tale of growing up and finding your way in the world, in an idiotic, sophomoric, plastered sort of way. Writer/Director Rich Wilkes went on to pen the script for the Vin Diesel-helmed super action flick "XXX," which probably explains how that weird Vandals reference got into that movie.

Favorite Bad-Movie Curiosity: Spice World
Many times, a movie is so bad that it will have you shaking your head in disbelief as you leave the theater, rewind the tape, or re-box the DVD, asking yourself, "how did a movie this bad get made?" Then there are other movies that are by no means good, but tolerable on some other level-the presence of a favorite actor, an amusing character or scene, a great throw-away line of dialogue, or just an appreciable amount of tits and ass. And then there's "Spice World." "Spice World" is a mind-boggling curiosity in that, in my humble opinion, it is neither grievously awful nor forgivably bad. It's not a good movie by any standards, but when has a movie made to exploit a shallow pop music phenomenon's brief window of popularity ever been any good? ("8 Mile" doesn't count.) But somehow, it also fails to be so awful that it registers as a complete waste of time. The Spice Girls have just enough charm (and self-realization of their silliness) to avoid making a complete mockery of themselves, the filmmakers (who have obviously seen "A Hard Day's Night" several times) are smart enough not to attempt a substantial plot, and any movie featuring George Wendt, Mark McKinney, and Richard O'Brien of "Rocky Horror" fame can't be all bad. On the other hand, none of these elements are actually strong enough to make the movie enjoyable on any level. I often use "Spice World," for all the above reasons, as a litmus test to judge other movies. Any movie better than "Spice World" is acceptable for viewing under dire circumstances; conversely, any movie worse that "Spice World" should be buried somewhere in Nevada in an unmarked vault. Try it-it works!

Favorite Intentionally Bad Movie By A Good Director: Ed Wood/Mars Attacks! (tie)
The world may never know why Tim Burton chose to follow up his commercial and artistic success with movies like "Batman" and "Edward Scissorhands" with his "schlock period," during which he produced his tribute to B-movie icon Edward D. Wood Jr., and his own very expensive B-movie, "Mars Attacks!" The first time I saw "Ed Wood," I was forced to leave halfway through by the people I had brought with me, although I confess that I agreed to their decision at the time. In retrospect, though, it would be tragically unfitting to make a lavish, successful Hollywood tribute to the man whose one success was producing a film often cited as the worst ever made (at least before MST3K introduced us to an unfortunate debacle named "Manos, Hand of Fate"). Apparently "Ed Wood" failed to satisfy Burton's lust for schlock, as "Mars Attacks!" can only be described as a modernization of the sort of sci-fi cinema that was rarely any good in the first place. Still, "Mars Attacks!" retains enough of the charm of its scrappier, less fortunate cousins to make it a fun movie, if not a very well conceived one from a commercial standpoint. And Tom Jones is in it! And he saves the day! How many other movies can make that claim? Besides, compared to some of Burton's more recent material like the remake of "Planet of the Apes," movies like "Ed Wood" suddenly look like Shakespeare.

Favorite Bad Sequel in a String of Bad Sequels: Ernest Goes To Jail
Having the distinction of being the official beginning of the end for the "Ernest" movies, "Ernest Goes To Jail" has several distinguishing features that separate it from the great unwashed masses of "Comedian With Waning Popularity Does Something Contrived and Ridiculous" movies (a proud tradition that seems to have fallen on the shoulders of Rob Schneider in recent years). For one, the mistaken identity plot of the movie necessitates that Jim Varney play two parts: Ernest, in this movie the night janitor at a local bank, and Felix Nash, a dangerous convicted criminal. Amazingly enough, Jim Varney has a surprising range as an actor, and is convincingly creepy as the scheming Felix Nash. Also, "Ernest Goes to Jail" is notable as probably the only children's movie where the main character gets sent to the chair, and the governor DOESN'T call before they pull the switch. I don't want to give away the ending (which makes me a better critic than anyone at The New York Times) but I will say that he does fare much better than Bjork did in "Dancer in the Dark."

Favorite Intentionally Bad Sequel in a String of Sequels: Bride of Chucky
In order to explain my continued affection for "Bride of Chucky," I must explain the circumstances under which I first saw the movie. Prior to the movie, I had dedicated my evening to a game of "Risk" with a few of my fellow collegians. Having not fared well in prior endeavors, I devised a radical three-pronged strategy for the game: play using the red game pieces, start the game in Russia, and consume a large amount of inexpensive, Russian-sounding vodka during the course of the game. Partway through, another friend suggested attending a showing of "Bride of Chucky," and the game was abandoned for later. So, half-cocked (perhaps even three-quarters cocked) I attended the film, and was very amused by the fact that the picture began in my hometown of Lockport, NY. (I'm certain what followed was not actually shot in Western New York, although I would like to imagine that Jennifer Tilly was really living in a trailer in Leisure Acres all along.) What followed was an affront to anyone with any knowledge of Upstate New York's geography, or for that matter, a map. The principal characters somehow got on the New York State Thruway and took an entire day to travel to Niagara Falls, which is in reality only ten minutes away from Lockport. Afterwards they somehow traveled the entire 400-mile distance to Hackensack, NJ in a matter of hours. But geographic abnormalities aside, "Bride of Chucky" was one of the few post-"Scream" horror films to successfully bridge the gap between the grisly horror fare of the '80s and the newly self-aware horror films of the '90s. And in case you were wondering, when I returned to campus I won the "Risk" game handily.

Favorite Good Movie Often Mistaken for a Bad Movie: The Adventures of Baron Munchausen
This was a tough category to choose a movie for. (I'll confess that most of the other categories were designated to suit the movies I had already picked for the list, but not this one.) Unfortunately I haven't seen "Labyrinth" in years, and I'll slap anyone who dares to infer that "The Dark Crystal" is anything short of genius, so I guess I'll have to bestow this title on my other favorite misunderstood genius, Terry Gilliam. "Baron Munchausen" does have a certain aimless quality to it, which could allow the attention of less than attentive audience members to wander. Still, when has any other director created a world this wondrous and visually succulent? I'll admit that I consider basically anything that Terry Gilliam does as genius, but despite my bias I would argue that "Baron Munchausen" is a much better film than many give it credit for.

Favorite Bad Movie Often Mistaken for a Good Movie: Scarface
See above, "All-Time Favorite Bad Movie - Action/Drama"

Favorite Bad Movie Often Mistaken for a Much Worse Movie: Cabin Boy
"Cabin Boy" is one of those movies whose name is often bandied about when people are attempting to name the worst movie ever made. I'm not saying that "Cabin Boy" is a good movie in any sense of the word, and I'm also not going to insult you by suggesting that the mere presence of Andy Richter and David Letterman in supporting roles is enough to save a movie this bad. Still, although "Cabin Boy" is a truly awful movie in every respect, there are much worse movies out there. "Cabin Boy" is at least interesting enough to keep you wondering where it's going (for about 30 minutes) with its outlandish tale. By comparison, have you ever seen "Johnny Mnemonic"? Or "Showgirls"? Mankind has produced a film that couldn't be saved by hundreds of bare breasts, and you condemn "Cabin Boy"? Fie on you and your lot!

Favorite Bad Movie That's Even Bad By B-Movie Standards: Dolemite
Anyone who's ever watched Mystery Science Theater 3000 knows that this category is a populace one. However, I have to give the top prize to Rudy Ray Moore's memorable first attempt to translate his party record talents to the big screen. The blaxploitation genre was known to produce the occasional genuinely good film, like the original "Shaft"; "Dolemite" is not among those gems, but still deserves respect purely for its panache. As Dolemite, Rudy Ray Moore could well be the most ghetto, most pimpinest, most out-of-shape kung-fu action hero of all time, and may have done more for the word "motherfucker" in one film than any other speaker of the English language in history. Plus, he has an army of kung-fu hookers. Top that, if you can. Unmatted video transfers have also made this movie legendary for having a mic or boom in almost every shot, but perhaps the influence of DVD in making letterboxing more common will right this problem for future generations.

-April, 2004