Website © 2003 by Tyler Carey
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Movies
by "Jonathan Schraft"
Much like a professional sport, the business of releasing movies to the general public runs in seasons. There are two predominant release periods in filmdom: the summer blockbuster season, when studios release their biggest moneymakers to take advantage of bored-stiff vacationing students and air-conditioning hungry adults; and the holiday season in November and December, when most studios release their biggest family pics and "prestige pictures," just in time for the winter holidays and Oscar qualifications respectively. As a result, the two in-between periods - the period after Oscar pics go into wide release in January until the Big Night in March, and the gap between the last blockbuster of August until some time into late October or early November - have become disproportionately lackluster periods at the movies, a dumping ground for films that distributors don't have much confidence in. While I relish Oscar season every year (an overdue reward for sitting through a glut of loud, ill-conceived, slam-bang gaudy blockbusters and throwaway marketing attempts all year), I wish to take a moment first to pay tribute to all those forgotten films of late August, September and October, with a little holiday gift back to the studios who released them.
Since graduating from film school, the single bright spot in my work experience has been several temporary jobs working in various aspects of marketing for a New York-based movie studio that will remain nameless (and will hopefully have a good sense of humor about this article). While working there, I have begun to notice that certain reviewers, mostly at local TV affiliates and obscure magazines and websites, seem to give rave reviews to lackluster films, always adding just the right adjectives to perk up a marketing exec's ears, just to see their name or the name of their publication in TV and print ads for the movie. This led be to an idea - why not write rave reviews (with custom-crafted pull quotes) of all the rotten releases that were tossed into September's rubbish can, without ever seeing them? I'm sure a lot of video distributors would be overjoyed to have a critic's blessings on the box of a flick like "fear dot com," and it would be a fantastic opportunity to promote Great Hoboes, by getting its name in the byline. Brilliant? But of course! Hey, it got that guy at "Wireless Magazine" (whatever the hell that is) where he is today. As a defense to my good name as a critic, I would like to say that I didn't even see most of these movies, and I would prefer if any studio using these quotes would bill them using my new nom de plume: "Johnathan Schraft, Greathoboes.com." Also, you might want to scan you temporary records for my real name, just to sidestep any conflict of interest accusations. Enjoy, and Happy Holidays!
GREAT HOBOES OF NEW YORK Movie Reviews by "Jonathan Schraft"
Blood Work: Clint Eastwood shows why he's the granddaddy of hard-boiled action in "Blood Work"! A taut, edgy thriller that will keep you guessing to the very end!
Blue Crush: Hot hot hot! Don't misss this tidal wave of a movie! An action-packed, wet and wild, sexy ride!
Adventures of Pluto Nash: Eddie Murphy's funniest movie since "Showtime"! Eddie Murphy is hilarious! A treat for the whole family! Fa-Shizzle!
The Master Of Disguise: Dana Carvey's triumphant return! A comic gem for the whole family! Better than THREE "Wayne's World" movies! The best... wait, I'm sorry, I can't go on, I actually saw this movie and it was AWFUL. Not just poor - we're talking hang your head in shame, ask for your money back, "Mortal Combat: Annihilation" bad here. Please, avoid this movie at all costs.
Fear Dot Com: Scary! Creepy! The scariest movie of the year! A hip, edge-of-your-seat fright-fest that will keep you guessing to the very end!
Simone: Al Pacino's performance is riveting! Pacino lights up the screen! Al Pacino is spectacular!
Swimfan: More twists and turns than the 200-m freestyle! It's an Olympic-paced, wet and wild erotic thriller that will keep you guessing to the very end!!
City By The Sea: Robert DeNiro's performance is riveting! DeNiro lights up the screen! Robert DeNiro is spectacular!
Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever: Lucy Liu is the hot bean paste in Antonio Banderas's spicy paella! Non-stop, wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling, edge-of-your-seat entertainment! It's just like that car chase in "Ronin" or "The French Connection!" The WHOLE MOVIE! I swear!
The Banger Sisters: Goldie Hawn is hilarious! Susan Sarandon is spectacular! The feel-good movie of the year!
The Four Feathers: A sumptuous, lyrical adventure of epic proportions! The best action epic since "Braveheart!"
Possession: (Wait... what was this movie about again? A novelist or something?) Umm… Gwenyth Paltrow lights up the screen!
Undisputed: Ten rounds of in-your-face action! An TNT-packed left hook that aims to please, and can't miss! Wesley Snipes and Ving Rhames are the bomb-diggity! Cold chillin', funky fresh, urban-skewed entertainment!
Trapped: Courtney Love is spectacular! Need I say more? A hip, edgy erotic thrill ride!
Stealing Harvard: Well, it was as good a movie as it could be, but Jason Lee and director Bruce McCulloch are talented enough that they should be getting better material to work with. (Sorry, I actually saw this movie.) Ehh, this is for Bruce and Jason: Funny! Hillarious! Side-splitting! A performance by Tom Green that can't be missed!
Red Dragon: A triumph! The movie that proves director Brett Ratner is a true auteur - a vital, authentic voice in American cinema, in the tradition of such directors as John Frankenheimer, Brian DePalma, and Joel Schumacher. An instant classic!
Sweet Home Alabama: Shit, people actually saw this movie, didn't they? Which means it probably got a couple decent reviews… guess I'll move on.
Jonah: A Veggie Tales Movie: God commands you to see this movie. Bring the whole family!
Below: 20,000 leagues deep with scares and action! A wet-and-wild fright-fest that will keep you guessing to the very end!
Serving Sara: Genuinely funny! Elizabeth Hurley sizzles! Matthew Perry is hilarious! Bruce Campbell obviously needs money! Fantastic!
Abandon: Katie Holmes sizzles! A hip, edge-of-your-seat thriller that will keep you guessing to the very end!
Swept Away: A moving, original masterpiece! Master of animation Hayao Myazaki presents us with one of his most stunning... shit, that was SPIRITED Away, I'm sorry. Um, Madonna is awesome! Not to be missed!
Femme Fatale: A steamy, sensual edge-of-your-seat thriller that will keep you guessing to the very end! Rebecca Romijn-Stamos burns up the screen! Like I said in that "Red Dragon" review, DePalma is a master!
I Spy: Owen Wilson and Eddie Murphy make a TNT-packed action team! Murphy's best movie since "Showtime"! This film proves Owen Wilson is a major action star! Eddie Murphy is hilarious! Non-stop action and hilarity!
Waking Up In Reno: A hilarious hootin' tootin' comedy romp! Billy Bob Thornton is perfectly cast as a lecherous, disloyal spouse! Patrick Swayze's best movie in years! Yee-ha!
-January, 2003