Website © 2003 by Tyler Carey
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Life on the Faultline, Vol. 2 - Not that there's anything wrong with that!
November 17th, 2003 - Oakland
by Rev. Felix Roy Mariposa
http://www.thompsoncigar.com[All quoted text is taken verbatim from the print catalog from the above website.]
[Aaaand, before anyone gets bent out of shape, the editors wish to do damage control and spin, and say "load the site before you pass judgment". We took Rev. Mariposa at face value at first, and were embarassed when we actually followed the links and realized that this is a gag of Mad magazine proportions...]
Let me just state, right now, I have no problem with homosexuality. (Don't you just love it when that's the opening statement? Stay with me, I'm going somewhere with this.)
I have no problem with two consenting adults doing whatever they want to each other behind closed doors. What I do have a problem with is when I get unsolicited gay porn in my P.O. Box.
Which happened. Yesterday.
Now, I didn't even know it was gay porn. The cover said it was the "Thompson & Co. Cigar Catalog". Apparently, that's the new code word for page after page of giant brown phalluses, interspersed with text about how much "pleasure" they provide.
Sure, it was all written in "code", but I've been to San Francisco, I know the score. What surprised me was the breadth of bizarre self-pleasuring implements. All manner of devices was here, as they lovingly described size, shape, texture, even taste in lovingly flowered prose.
Take, for example, a product called the "Draw-Poker."
"...one of the hazards of smoking hand rolled cigars is that occasionally you encounter one that is plugged and hard to draw... Draw-Poker is the answer to the plugged cigar. Simply inserting the Draw-Poker down the length of the offending cigar opens it up, and the tight draw becomes a thing of the past. Now the cigar is freed of its obstruction and open to providing all the smoking pleasure for which it was intended."
I mean... consenting adults and all... but, ewwwww. And why not just use KY?
I'm not even going to try to describe the device called a "Bullet Plunger."
But most of this catalog of iniquity is filled with more simple "cigars" with names like the "Curly Head Deluxe" or the "Havana Honey".
Yes, they have one named after S.F. It's called The Frisco. They describe it as "a good, comfortable smoke that you look forward to when you're ready to kick back and pleasure yourself..."
Then there's the more unusual toys they describe as "pipes". "Until you've experienced one, you cannot know. But once you have, you understand the fierce loyalty these pipes enjoy among their devotees."
Like the "Turkish Meerschaum", which are "fabulous lustrous white pipes that have brought pleasure to smokers for literally centuries.... a cherished smoking instrument, one that will provide years of smoking pleasure."
Just remember to clean it with rubbing alcohol, I guess.
Or, for that rustic feel, there's the "Lumberman", which is a handmade unit: "First, the craftsman has to locate and identify those rare blocks of aged briar that allow for the Lumberman's extra-long stem. Then he must make sure the finished product is as slim and graceful as the lumberman must be, never hunky or clunky."
The worst part is how they encourage promiscuity, even in this age of STDs, with such items as the "Golfer's Weekender":
"Our handsome and perfectly sized aluminum carrying case allows you to transport enough cigars for your entire foursome for a weekend of smoking pleasure on the course. The next time you and the guys plan a weekend of golf, let someone else bring the booze. You take this case full of cigars with you, and whatever your score you'll provide the most pleasure of anyone in the group. Everything you need for a foursome's weekend of cigar smoking pleasure, this case has it all."
THERE's a mental image for you.
As I said, I have nothing against consenting adults doing what they please, but this - 48 pages of nothing but phalluses and accessories! - does nothing but reinforce stereotypes.
Yes, all the quotes are real. I wish I could make shit like this up.
WEBSITE OF THE MOMENT:
Okay, if that wasn't weird enough, how about some animal penis dildoes?
http://www.zoofur.com/animalp.html
NEWS YOU CAN USE:
All the "Golfer's Weekender" is missing...
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/gate/archive/2003/09/04/MNbaboonnoses.DTL