Life on the Faultline, Vol. 1

October 7th, 2003

by Rev. Felix Roy Mariposa

Dog, hell, at eight months old he's still a puppy, but one can be decieved by his massive size, caused by cross-breeding Rhodesian Ridgeback with Mechagodzilla. He had yet to be formally introduced to our neighborhood's most prominent geologic resident.

"Dog, meet the Hayward Fault," I said as the backdoor screen slammed shut. "Hayward fault, this is my new dog. He might have peed on you already."

The faultline rumbled appreciatively, almost gently. Then returned to the slow growling complaint. It needs more introduction.

The Hayward Fault is the dominant feature (seismically speaking) of the eastern half of the San Francisco Bay Area. It traverses several large and medium sized cities, and formed the hills that circle the Bay. Geologists maintain that the next major earthquake in Northern California will be along this fault.

And it runs down my driveway.

Tonight it was struggling, like so many, to understand the night's events. I'm sure that if you took readings on a seismometer, converted those waves into sound, and sped it up to account for the slow progress of a geologic event, the audio would be a distorted but unmistakable, "What the fuck?"

Because not only had hundreds of thousands of people decided that they wanted a former steroid enthusiast turned actor who can barely say the word "California" to put the state's legislative house in order, but more voted for him than opposed the recall, thus actually legitimizing the silly farce of a recall election.

I suppose I don't need to point out that this is the second time an untalented actor was elected governor of California. The first one became president by saying "There you go again." Then he ate a bunch of jelly beans and got Alzheimer's in 1982.

And now, in the wee hours, both the faultline and the hacks on 24-hour news channels were trying to figure out: What the fuck? What does this mean?

Both were struggling. CNN talked to Jerry Brown, who was once known as "Governor Moonbeam" and criticized for being to wishy-washy in Sacramento. Then he became mayor of Oakland, and was criticized for his aggressive, take-charge, hands-on methods. If the guy wasn't such a chipper optimist all the time, he would be forgiven for shouting, "What the hell do you assholes want? Huh? How the hell do I make you happy? Fickle bastards! Fuck all y'all!"

Jerry compared the recall to Proposition 13; it's a landmark piece of legislation, sponsored by petition in 1978, that limited the state's ability to raise property taxes. This is a landmark for two reasons: 1) it started the craze of legislation by initiative, in which laws are made by petition and popular vote rather than by the legislature, and 2) IT FUCKING DOOMED THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA. See, most of a state's revenue comes from property taxes, and if it can't raise funds, services get cut and the economy goes south. And a record budget deficit gets rung up. And then the governor gets recalled.

(Proposition 13 was authored by an evil little man named Howard Jarvis, who looks like Ronald Reagan with scurvy. The organization that bears his name was a major backer of the recall.)
http://www.hjta.org/about.htm

So it's related, but it doesn't answer the question: "What the fuck?"

MSNBC talked to Jesse "The (insert epithet here)" Ventura. This was relevent, according to Chris "The Nickname" Matthews because Jesse was another governor elected by a supposed voter revolt, and he was in two movies with Arnold Schwarzengruber. Jesse disputed this; he said it was three.

(Predator, Running Man... and what? What's the third? "Oily Muscled Guys vs. the Great Sea Serpent"? According to IMDB, it was a bit part in "Batman & Robin", but it would be a stretch to call that a movie. It was a movie in the same way jabbing a sharp pencil into your eye is acupuncture. It should be noted that, according to IMDB that he was also a guest star on "Renegade". Can you say Senator Lorenzo Lamas?)
http://us.imdb.com/name/nm0001818/

Jesse's other commentary mainly pertained to the fact that he has a new talk show on CNBC. Other comments were less insightful and similarly self-aggrandizing.

The fault's gaping maw had produced a cylindrical hole roughly the size and shape of Jesse's head. I thought it might make a good barbecue pit.

Even the local news flacks were confounded. None could admit the simple truth: It doesn't mean anything.

At least nothing we didn't already know.

On October 6th, I already knew: that fame is more popular than intelligence; that people love fads, and that's all the recall was; that command of the English language is no longer necessary to public life in this country - our president can't say "subliminal" properly, much less use accurate grammar in extemporaneous remarks; that voters are usually petty, racist, sexist, selfish idiots - for proof, see D'amato, Thurmond, Helms, Reagan, Bush (the other one), Bush (the Florida one), Lott, Kennedy (the not-dead one), Goldwater - and that representative democracy was SUPPOSED to protect us from that; that direct democracy is mob rule, and, as noted, voters are idiots; and that the only thing that means ANYTHING is how good you look on television.

These are not new thoughts, nor are they groundbreaking. (The faultline clicks some rocks together in an appreciative chuckle at the pun.) And none were disproven on October 7th.

The fact is, for 25 years the governorship of California has been meaningless. Prop. 13 issued in an era of rule-by-initiative in which the electorate sets policy, the legislature figures out how to pay for it, and the governor acts are cheerleader for Silicon Valley and the entertainment industry. No governor in the last quarter century has gone on to any higher office - one (Jerry Brown) has gone to a lower one.

The fact is, the electorate is so lazy that a man named George Schwartzman garnered nearly 11,000 votes (more than pornstar Mary Carey, model Angelyne, or comedian Gallagher; just short of Gary Coleman and Larry Flynt) simply because voters couldn't find Arnold's name and went for the closest name they could find.
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/chronicle/archive/2003/10/09/MN294780.DTL&type=chart

The fact is, the recall process was so stupid that people who put down "My Wang" as a write-in candidate (there were about a hundred around the state, and let's hope they don't breed) saw their votes go to a certified write-in with the last name Wang.

There is only one thing that this bittersweet farce of politics means, in the end:

No Arnold movies for at least three years.

In fact, a planned "Conan" sequel has been indefinitely postponed. Hopefully forever. No word yet on "Jingle all the Way 2".
http://imdb.com/title/tt0376707

The fault accepts this, and the ground settles, mollified for the moment.

WEBSITE OF THE MOMENT:
The ATF has a website. It has a "Kid's Page". No, really.
http://www.atf.gov/kids/index.htm

NEWS YOU CAN USE:
Purple frogs! Purple frogs!
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2003/10/17/MNGPR2DCH81.DTL&type=science