Big Battel in the Big Apple

by Benni Pierce

On Thursday, November 14, 2002, the Kaiju Championship Belt of the Universe was on the line!! And not in any ordinary match for the belt - but a RAT TRAP MATCH! Trapped in a steel cage full of rat traps, the hero, Silver Potato, would fight the challenger, Uchu Chu the Space Bug, until only one creature was left standing. And this creature would be declared champ.

Welcome to the World that is Kaiju Big Battel. In their squared circle, the Heroes face off against Dr. Cube's Posse who end up fighting with Team Space Bug and that's only the beginning because we can't forget the Rogues who don't really like anybody. Monster mayhem at its best, Kaiju is a hybrid of amateur professional wrestling and Asian monster movies mixed with just a wee bit of pop culture.

But why do I even bring this up? I'll tell you why. Because I was lucky enough to be one of the many in attendance at the Roxy in New York when Kaiju came to town on Nov. 14th. Having only seen the website, I had no idea what to expect. But after seeing the show, all I have to say is that the videos on the website don't even get close to expressing the heat and chaos of a night of Kaiju.

Doors opened around 9. The line was about 100 people long when I arrived. Throughout the night, I was told that the line got a lot longer, actually turning the corner of the city block at one point. They were supposed to begin wrestling at 10, but didn't actually start until about quarter after 11 due to the never-ending stream of fans. In the middle of what looked like a once skating rink turned nightclub, a roofless steel cage sat on top of a 3-foot high wrestling ring. Inside of this cage sat a small city, consisting of buildings made with balsa wood, cardboard and foamcore. Some of them actually had lights inside. It was impressive. It was also standing room only.

After many false-starts and many drinks, the show finally began! The music blasted, the announcer made his way to the ring, and the show was on its way at last.

The night began slowly and I won't bore you with the details. In the first match of six, RoBox (the name says it all) made his Kaiju debut against Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle. So here's the scene: you've got a robot that is obviously a card board box with pieces and parts glued on to it against a man-sized can of chicken noodle soup that has legs and arms. And on top of this, they're wrestling each other. Using the buildings as weapons. All the while the announcer screams into the mic trying to make sense of this senseless melee and rock music blares over the loud speakers and the huge-mustached referee watches in dismay as these two dismantle each other. RoBox finally comes out on top even after having one of his arms torn off.

And the crowd goes crazy. Pure brilliance.

In the second match, the first appearance of the Danger Type Selector Wheel decided what type of match it would be. Although the wheel was "rigged," the Kaiju performers played it off like it wasn't. Believing that it was pure coincidence that it had simply landed on the selection "Weapons of Mass Destruction Match" despite the fact that the ring had already been filled with Styrofoam and rubber weapons, the announcer maintained a good level of ol' fashioned fun and showmanship. The match began, and Unibouzu, the sea urchin, went up against Sky Deviler, a member of Team Space Bug. Although Sky Deviler manhandled Unibouzu for a fair amount of the match, Unibouzu was able to take down Deviler for the 1-2-3.

Between match 2 and match 3, Kaiju involved some audience members in a bit of audience participation. I, of course, cheered wildly, hoping they would pick me. After actually watching this next spot, however, I am so glad they didn't. Three members of the audience spun the Truth, Dare, or Danger wheel. If they completed their task successfully, they won a prize; if not, they had this smelly, gooey green substance poured all over their heads. Now, at first, I figured these were just planted extras. But this wasn't the case. In fact, not only did all three of the contestants get doused in this vile liquid, but so did most of the people by ringside on MY side of the ring when one of the stage hands decided to splash us all with a bucket full. Initially, we were all just shocked. And then we began to smell it. This concoction they had created was a mixture of cottage cheese, green food coloring, Styrofoam and gelatin. Vile. And it smelled awful. I'm not even sure it it'll be able to be washed out of clothes yet (stay tuned for that one). Not exactly a high point of the evening, but again, it was funny to see all of these people who had pushed their way past you to get to ringside be TOTALLY covered in this gunk.

Anyway, moving onto match 3, in which the Tag Team Champs, Los Plantanos (two Mexican bananas) were to go up against two of Dr. Cube's newest monster creations: Napoleon and Super Dimensional Slug 1 (also known as SDS1). Being a slug, SDS1 took a LONG time to get to the ring. Although, inside the ring, Los Plantanos had their hands full with Napoleon, an 8 foot high Godzilla-type monster with a long neck. Los Plantanos may have had the match in the bag, but at the last moment, the slug finally made it to the top of the cage, and flopped his way in to help his partner, Napolean, cover the dynamic duo.

Intermission. 7 minutes. Definitely not enough time for another drink. Definitely definitely not enough time to get washed up.

And then Match 4 was upon us! The South Jersey Toxic Revenger Gomi-man vs. the Half Viking / Half Chewbacca hero Slo Feng. In what would end up being a squash, Slo Feng ripped Gomi-man apart in about two minutes. The crowd was pleased.

Match 5: the Gimmick Match to end all Gimmick Matches! THE LUCKY CHARM CONTEST! Call Me Kevin has never won a match. His adversary, the American Beetle, has been in the hospital for weeks due to a toxic sludge attack by Gomi-man at a previous event. For these reasons, the match wouldn't end with a pinfall or submission. Instead, the match would simply end when one of the two fighters jumped into the 9 foot high box of Rucky Charms Cereal and proceeded to bring out the Hidden Toy inside! The American Beetle triumphed despite a chant of "Die Beetle Die" from a small group of true BEETLE fans. The BEETLE of crime fighting and amateur professional fame. The BEETLE who defends Smash City. The only two time Heavyweight Champion of the WWC of Hampshire College! Rise up Hampshire College! Embrace your champion … well, wait, he lost to El Nastico at Halloween Hell during Hampshire Halloween this year … what kind of champ … oh well, that's another article altogether.

Finally, the Main Event was upon us. It was now 1:30 AM, and we all smelled like moldy cheese left out in the sun. Not to mention the dehydration. But there was no where else I would have rather been.

The Main Event embodied a bitter rivalry between Silver Potato and Uchu Chu the Space Bug. In a previous title match between these two, the diabolical Dr. Cube interfered, KO'd both wrestlers, and then pulled Silver Potato's lifeless spud on top of the insect's body for the win. Since then, Uchu Chu has been trying to come up with a way to thwart the current champ and reclaim his place among champions. Would tonight be his night?

RAT TRAPS filled the ring. The bell rung and the match began. It was a suplex delivered to Silver Potato that lit the match that detonated when his body hit the ring and set traps flying everywhere! The crowd went wild! The match saw some of the best wrestling of the night. Not to mention a run-in by Sky Deviler to help out his fellow Team Space Bug member. Of course, Unibouzu wouldn't let this stand, and he connected with a jumping clothesline off of the top of the steel cage! The ref forced these two to leave and the match began again, afresh, anew, between Potato and Chu.

It was Chu's overconfidence and Potato's love for Hip Hop that was Uchu Chu's final downfall. After missing a moonsault off of the top of the cage, Potato drew in crowd favor by producing a RUN DMC shirt and then proceeding to break dance. Then, all of the other heroes came into the ring: RoBox, American Beetle, and Slo Feng. They danced to Hip Hop, as Potato climbed to the top of the ring, and connected with his moonsault, putting away the space bug, and ending a night of monstrous victories, chaotic stories, and a smell that will forever haunt me.

Visit the website: http://www.kaiju.com!

--released on the Great Hoboes of New York on May 9, 2003