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Bikini Bandits
by Mark Hugo
Take a monkey with severe attention deficit disorder. Then feed that monkey an ample amount of methamphetamines. Put the meth in a fruit of some sort; monkeys love fruit. Then chain said monkey to a typewriter (they prefer them to computers) and let it write a movie script. That movie will be Bikini Bandits. On April 6, 2002, surrounded by bottom-feeders, art fucks, wannabes, film fucks, a few industry suits, and Corey Feldman, I witnessed the premiere of Bikini Bandits. Feldman was a genius, Jello Biafro was a porn director, and everyone else was a retard, except for the genuinely mentally handicapped cast member. Stars of note included Dee Dee Ramone, Maynard James Keenan from Tool, and Gary the Retard and Hank the Angry Dwarf, from Howard Stern. Sadly, this was Hank's and Dee Dee's last feature cameos. I have to respect Steve Graasse for dedicated the film to Hank's memory. Dee Dee passed shortly after the release of the film.In his speech immediately before the premiere, Feldman referred to Bikini Bandits as the worst career move he has ever made. I yelled "What about Toxie 4?," but sadly he didn't respond. Jello Biafro may have agreed with his assessment, and not mine. I have a feeling Jello was hiding behind that fake mustache, not just wearing it.
Bikini Bandits was born out of an episodic project available for download on atomfilms.com. From what I can tell it was then badly thrown together, using scenes of bikini clothed babes, posing in front of, washing, and fondling classic American automobiles, as segues. On the bright side, since the movie had no discernable plot thread, the scenes changed before you could possibly get bored. Bikini Bandits won the fanfare of the Philadelphia Film Festival while using such movie magic as having people fall over when shot . Gore? Blood? Entrance wounds? Exit wounds? Nah, just have them fall over; that will be fine. Intercut with all the other intercut segments was a pathetic rotoscoping rip-off in which director and editor exchange enough homoerotic jokes to push them over the witty joke line into an area of repressed ass-slamming. The flick culminates in a ninja fight between the forces of good (Corey Feldmen) and evil (Jello Biafro ). Although unaccredited, Jello was backed up by evil rockstars, played by Philly's Betty Whitetrash Jeremy Hugo, Bobby Shame, Jay Medley, and Bob Bannon.
Bikini Bandits advertises barely any plot and delivers one hundred percent . So sit back, give yourself a quick and brutal lobotomy, and enjoy the bouncing boobs and dancing Corey Feldman. As long as you don't require a plot, character, or coherency in your movie pick, you'll be fine.